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Belle Robinson diary, 1875-1877
148
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I scarcely know how to express it. I have been stumbling over myself all afternoon & evening - doing & saying & being what I do not wish to. I begin every week, lately, with such good intentions, & every Saturday eve finds me tired & - what I could not express. I want, & I do try to be so many things that are good & I fail so miserably. I want to be lady like, agreeable & proper & yet natural & not stuff - & I fail I want to be liked, respected & independent of the favor of others - I fail here In deeper things I want to do right; I want to be generous, loving, free from wicked thoughts, self-sacrificing if need be - & here again at the root of all the others & I fail again & fail worse than before. I want to be wise & good but not vain or proud & here the same as before I
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I scarcely know how to express it. I have been stumbling over myself all afternoon & evening - doing & saying & being what I do not wish to. I begin every week, lately, with such good intentions, & every Saturday eve finds me tired & - what I could not express. I want, & I do try to be so many things that are good & I fail so miserably. I want to be lady like, agreeable & proper & yet natural & not stuff - & I fail I want to be liked, respected & independent of the favor of others - I fail here In deeper things I want to do right; I want to be generous, loving, free from wicked thoughts, self-sacrificing if need be - & here again at the root of all the others & I fail again & fail worse than before. I want to be wise & good but not vain or proud & here the same as before I
Iowa Women’s Lives: Letters and Diaries
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