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Eve Drewelowe's journals, volumes II-III, 1950s
Page 185
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from the discussion in-so far as resultant benefits which may have accrued thereby. As for the establishing of character as a positive construction force, pain can be dismissed from the mind. For this likely may be the tiresome prattle of affected fantasy by those who have had no experience with it. For distress may more easily be a destructive force for it is generally acknowledged that biological situations which produce suffering are harmful to me. Furthermore the essence of moral excellence must be begotten otherwise than through a cruel would-be conditioning. Foolish mortals that we humans be. For we should like to hope to emerge from out the fire of torture just a bit more mellowed, and of somewhat finer metal than that which went into the kiln. After all, this is but wishful thinking and not a contribution to beneficial results, no matter how strongly they may be desired. In my demands for future, I also would insist that one day I shall be freed from a digestive ailment. Wishful thinking again! But in the newly found freedom of release from symptoms, be enabled to pursue my life in my own lights - a beam of my own making for guidance. If at all possible I shall continue to seek through the moons of expression a completely satisfying existence. And that with the erstwhile thought of being what I was meant to be without the organized fight I have had to wage against complete physical debilitation. All of this too, without the questionable so thought character building process of pain. Hitherto in the life that was mine, the determination not to let down in my painting at all costs - that putting into effect an urgent need - has led to a continued struggle. From now on I must be able to carry on without the shoes, in an endeavor to make good any inheritance. For deep within there is that something which will be said which will find an outlet regardless of suppression. The words are known and the thoughts they suggest shall be commanded to do my bidding. For who shall stay my tongue. From now on interference shall no longer be later [aled?] INterruption in the creative - intentionally or otherwise thought it may be - in the road straight forward
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from the discussion in-so far as resultant benefits which may have accrued thereby. As for the establishing of character as a positive construction force, pain can be dismissed from the mind. For this likely may be the tiresome prattle of affected fantasy by those who have had no experience with it. For distress may more easily be a destructive force for it is generally acknowledged that biological situations which produce suffering are harmful to me. Furthermore the essence of moral excellence must be begotten otherwise than through a cruel would-be conditioning. Foolish mortals that we humans be. For we should like to hope to emerge from out the fire of torture just a bit more mellowed, and of somewhat finer metal than that which went into the kiln. After all, this is but wishful thinking and not a contribution to beneficial results, no matter how strongly they may be desired. In my demands for future, I also would insist that one day I shall be freed from a digestive ailment. Wishful thinking again! But in the newly found freedom of release from symptoms, be enabled to pursue my life in my own lights - a beam of my own making for guidance. If at all possible I shall continue to seek through the moons of expression a completely satisfying existence. And that with the erstwhile thought of being what I was meant to be without the organized fight I have had to wage against complete physical debilitation. All of this too, without the questionable so thought character building process of pain. Hitherto in the life that was mine, the determination not to let down in my painting at all costs - that putting into effect an urgent need - has led to a continued struggle. From now on I must be able to carry on without the shoes, in an endeavor to make good any inheritance. For deep within there is that something which will be said which will find an outlet regardless of suppression. The words are known and the thoughts they suggest shall be commanded to do my bidding. For who shall stay my tongue. From now on interference shall no longer be later [aled?] INterruption in the creative - intentionally or otherwise thought it may be - in the road straight forward
Iowa Women’s Lives: Letters and Diaries
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