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Eve Drewelowe's journals, volumes II-III, 1950s
Page 188
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there was not enough spread to keep up with the incessant draw on physical resources. Life is selfish. The more that one does and can do, the more that is required. Until finally there is no end to exploitation and demands and imposition on the individual. I had indeed arranged my life and existed as it was much that I should in accordance with the rules that others had ordained was suitable for me - and not necessarily as I have wanted to be required to first. From an analysis of the results and thereby understanding what so-called adjustment has wrought, I contend that if ever I get up out of here again - out of reach of this bed of pain and rest and away from being a stomach - life shall never more have a chance to redo this thing. I so bitterly accuse life of my undoing. If it may be that I ever get back again, I shall choose to live only a painter, with a complete disregard of pushing obligations. This plan includes only the recognition of physical limitations and remaining within the designated boundaries. It will furthermore be impossible to draw you back into the whirlpool and the prawls of a petty polite society. I refuse to return to the pleasure madness of the present generations and be plucked and torn by social buzzards. I shall not partake of every event and other activity that a busybody world wants to schedule, intent as I is on keeping from being bored by individuals having to rely on their own inadequate resources. Insufficient because they lie dormant through a lack of development. In my own mind and to my own satisfaction I am not too certain that this stomach condition could have been wholly avoided. Clearly an allergic basis has been established for causing some of the irregularities. Sensitivities too are admittedly inherent. From the beginning my consultation was aware of certain selections that seemingly troubled no one else. A case of this kind, however, must be more deeply involved than just that. Even the scientists are not too sure about defining idiosyncrasies, even more so than they apparently were several years back. And the greater the scientist perhaps the more hesitant he would be to say
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there was not enough spread to keep up with the incessant draw on physical resources. Life is selfish. The more that one does and can do, the more that is required. Until finally there is no end to exploitation and demands and imposition on the individual. I had indeed arranged my life and existed as it was much that I should in accordance with the rules that others had ordained was suitable for me - and not necessarily as I have wanted to be required to first. From an analysis of the results and thereby understanding what so-called adjustment has wrought, I contend that if ever I get up out of here again - out of reach of this bed of pain and rest and away from being a stomach - life shall never more have a chance to redo this thing. I so bitterly accuse life of my undoing. If it may be that I ever get back again, I shall choose to live only a painter, with a complete disregard of pushing obligations. This plan includes only the recognition of physical limitations and remaining within the designated boundaries. It will furthermore be impossible to draw you back into the whirlpool and the prawls of a petty polite society. I refuse to return to the pleasure madness of the present generations and be plucked and torn by social buzzards. I shall not partake of every event and other activity that a busybody world wants to schedule, intent as I is on keeping from being bored by individuals having to rely on their own inadequate resources. Insufficient because they lie dormant through a lack of development. In my own mind and to my own satisfaction I am not too certain that this stomach condition could have been wholly avoided. Clearly an allergic basis has been established for causing some of the irregularities. Sensitivities too are admittedly inherent. From the beginning my consultation was aware of certain selections that seemingly troubled no one else. A case of this kind, however, must be more deeply involved than just that. Even the scientists are not too sure about defining idiosyncrasies, even more so than they apparently were several years back. And the greater the scientist perhaps the more hesitant he would be to say
Iowa Women’s Lives: Letters and Diaries
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