DIY History | Transcribe | Civil War Diaries and Letters | Bean family letters, 1845-1860

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1845-12-21 Page 01

This Day 21st. December 45 - I took My pen and addressed a Line to Hamilton Butler which you will Hear from Long Ere this - paragraph of Reflection will Reach you; and, I gave him Some Instructions on Business Matters
New York - My Dear Mary P.B Since I wrote You Last I have been meditating on Various Subjects - wondering How I could Deliberately come to the conclusion to leave You for so long a time - but - no it was not Deliberate purely - it was Rather from necessity arising from the Limited or Rather Inefficient Means the portions of country In which we were Located afforded few for Improving the Mind and Rendering clear & plain Many of those operations In Surgery which Exert a Mighty Influence In a physicians practical carreer; and In the want of which Leaves an Inroad for Miserable Designing Vagabonds to tread upon one without Having it in His power to Rid  Himself from them & throw off the Mighty shackles  with which they fain would bind You, with Clear and Indisputable proff, proof that cannot be gainsayed Even by the Most Vitiated and base portions of community We have to Deal with poverty You Know we are Tolerably familiar with in our own House or Rather Many Inconveniences arising from it; but when I Reflect that peace & Harmony has almost without an Exception Reigned beneath our Roof and although I have to say it do Think cases are few in which There Has been that Degree of affection and Respect Reciprocally Extended to Each other in Respectful & becoming Manner I certainly Long for the Day to Arrive when I Shall be Homeward Bound, not that I am in the Least Homesick, but a wish to Enjoy the Society of one who above all others My Soul Desires communion with - well Mary perhaps You Enjoy Yourself Equally well as You would if I were at Home with You. I Hope You Do but I find it a Little Different - Am now frequently Reminded of what I Have often thought of that a person Does not Know How to prize Good Health untill they ar afflicted with Illness in some form. I would not wish You to think me sick in body or mind but Merely Bring This as an Illustration - In Reflecting on past Events can look upon them Mostly with great Degree of pleasure; (You Know Self Righteousness is common to all; but never Should be Brought to bear Individually between Bone of Same Bone & flesh of Same flesh) and He who Rules the Destinies of all men Knows that if I Ever Entered Voluntarily with my whole Soul Into any Engagement with Disire to fulfill according to the Best of My abilities, twas when I vowd to Thee - and when I saw; hours before before I took the parting [Kiss] or Encircled Your Lovely form and [erased] you once more to [erased]; That, a Tear Had fallen and Judged it was for me: Did I Judge Right - Surely there could not be any mistake - Well Mary this is a Kind of [Sunday?] Evening Epistle - God night as quite [Late]

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This Day 21st. December 45 - I took My pen and addressed a Line to Hamilton Butler which you will Hear from Long Ere this - paragraph of Reflection will Reach you; and, I gave him Some Instructions on Business Matters New York - My Dear Mary P.B Since I wrote You Last I have been meditating on Various Subjects - wondering How I could Deliberately come to the conclusion to leave You for so long a time - but - no it was not Deliberate purely - it was Rather from necessity arising from the Limited or Rather Inefficient Means the portions of country In which we were Located afforded few for Improving the Mind and Rendering clear & plain Many of those operations In Surgery which Exert a Mighty Influence In a physicians practical carreer; and In the want of which Leaves an Inroad for Miserable Designing Vagabonds to tread upon one without Having it in His power to Rid Himself from them & throw off the Mighty shackles with which they fain would bind You, with Clear and Indisputable proff, proof that cannot be gainsayed Even by the Most Vitiated and base portions of community We have to Deal with poverty You Know we are Tolerably familiar with in our own House or Rather Many Inconveniences arising from it; but when I Reflect that peace & Harmony has almost without an Exception Reigned beneath our Roof and although I have to say it do Think cases are few in which There Has been that Degree of affection and Respect Reciprocally Extended to Each other in Respectful & becoming Manner I certainly Long for the Day to Arrive when I Shall be Homeward Bound, not that I am in the Least Homesick, but a wish to Enjoy the Society of one who above all others My Soul Desires communion with - well Mary perhaps You Enjoy Yourself Equally well as You would if I were at Home with You. I Hope You Do but I find it a Little Different - Am now frequently Reminded of what I Have often thought of that a person Does not Know How to prize Good Health untill they ar afflicted with Illness in some form. I would not wish You to think me sick in body or mind but Merely Bring This as an Illustration - In Reflecting on past Events can look upon them Mostly with great Degree of pleasure; (You Know Self Righteousness is common to all; but never Should be Brought to bear Individually between Bone of Same Bone & flesh of Same flesh) and He who Rules the Destinies of all men Knows that if I Ever Entered Voluntarily with my whole Soul Into any Engagement with Disire to fulfill according to the Best of My abilities, twas when I vowd to Thee - and when I saw; hours before before I took the parting [Kiss] or Encircled Your Lovely form and [erased] you once more to [erased]; That, a Tear Had fallen and Judged it was for me: Did I Judge Right - Surely there could not be any mistake - Well Mary this is a Kind of [Sunday?] Evening Epistle - God night as quite [Late]