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Adelia M. Hoyt memoir and photographs
Page 32
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32 UNFOLDING YEARS the critics and eminent writers of the day. It was a proud day for me when I held that little volume in my hand--a complimentary copy. Professor McCune was much impressed and urged Blanche to go out and solicit orders for it. With her youth and pleasing personality (she was a very pretty girl), she could no doubt have made it a financial success, but she refused to consider it. To her it would have been trading on her handicap--which she would not do. So far as it was possible she concealed her lack of sight and few of those who read her books ever guessed that she was blind. To return to my own school life. I had many friends and the years passed all too soon. In music I still plodded along receiving fairly good marks, due I suspect more to the kindness of my teachers than to my actual accomplishments. I think they figured that it would not looks well for a students who stood first in everything else, and who really worked hard, to be flunked in music; so they let me continue. I came to play rather difficult pieces, but I always knew that my performances were entirely mechanical and I took no pleasure nor pride in them. I suffered from one handicap which no one guessed for I doubt if I could have explained it so as to make any one understand. To appear in public was excruciating agony. This even extended to reciting in the class room. Yet I forced myself to do all the things required of me--but it took all my will-power. To stand up on the stage, or sit at the piano and play, was torture beyond what any one can imagine. This physical torment left me weak and cold, feeling that I must faint or fall if I did not hold on to something or somebody. Under these conditions I could never do my best and could take no pleasure "showing off." This handicap has persisted in a lesser degree all my life and no amount of experience ever quite overcame it. I have tried to analyze this feeling which cast a shadow over everything I tried to do. Was it purely physical, over self-consciousness, or a lack of confidence? What was it? Perhaps if I had gone to some of my teachers in those early days and made
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32 UNFOLDING YEARS the critics and eminent writers of the day. It was a proud day for me when I held that little volume in my hand--a complimentary copy. Professor McCune was much impressed and urged Blanche to go out and solicit orders for it. With her youth and pleasing personality (she was a very pretty girl), she could no doubt have made it a financial success, but she refused to consider it. To her it would have been trading on her handicap--which she would not do. So far as it was possible she concealed her lack of sight and few of those who read her books ever guessed that she was blind. To return to my own school life. I had many friends and the years passed all too soon. In music I still plodded along receiving fairly good marks, due I suspect more to the kindness of my teachers than to my actual accomplishments. I think they figured that it would not looks well for a students who stood first in everything else, and who really worked hard, to be flunked in music; so they let me continue. I came to play rather difficult pieces, but I always knew that my performances were entirely mechanical and I took no pleasure nor pride in them. I suffered from one handicap which no one guessed for I doubt if I could have explained it so as to make any one understand. To appear in public was excruciating agony. This even extended to reciting in the class room. Yet I forced myself to do all the things required of me--but it took all my will-power. To stand up on the stage, or sit at the piano and play, was torture beyond what any one can imagine. This physical torment left me weak and cold, feeling that I must faint or fall if I did not hold on to something or somebody. Under these conditions I could never do my best and could take no pleasure "showing off." This handicap has persisted in a lesser degree all my life and no amount of experience ever quite overcame it. I have tried to analyze this feeling which cast a shadow over everything I tried to do. Was it purely physical, over self-consciousness, or a lack of confidence? What was it? Perhaps if I had gone to some of my teachers in those early days and made
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