DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Banshee, whole no. 5, June 1944

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Banshee, whole no. 5, June 1944

Page 8

8 * * * Banshee

POSITIONS HAVE YOU HELD PREVIOUSLY?"

"Well--"

"I THOUGHT SO. WELL, THIS WILL BE VALUABLE EXPERIENCE FOR YOU YOUNG MAN. DO YOU  KNOW THE FIRST LAW OF HOLDING A POSITION? I THOUGHT NOT. IT IS TO OBEY YOUR SUPERIORS. THAT'S A GREAT RULE, MY BOY-- FOLLOW IT THROUGHOUT LIFE, AND THE WAY WILL BE MADE EASIER FOR YOU. OTHERWISE, AND PARTICULARLY IN THE EDITING BUSINESS, TROUBLE--SERIOUS TROUBLE, WILL BE YOUR LOT. OBEDIENCE IS YOUR SACRED DUTY TO THE BUSINESS AND TO YOURSELF."

He paused.

"Yes sir." John said, obediently. "Oh, yes sir."

"NOW." said Underheld, with something of approval in his tone. "HERE ARE YOUR DUTIES (ARE YOU TAKING NOTES ON THIS? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?). FIRST, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES WHICH ARE WELL WRITTEN. OUR READERS HAVE NO LITERARY TASTE. SECOND, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES WITH CONTAIN ANY SCIENCE SHUT UP. THIRD, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES BY THE AUTHORS ON THIS LIST--NEVER MIND WHY. AND YOU MUST ACCEPT ALL STORIES BY ALL THE AUTHORS ON THIS OTHER LIST--NO, I WILL NOT EXPLAIN WHY. THEN YOU MUST WRITE BLURBS FOR ALL STORIES--THE LEST CONNECTION THEY HAVE WITH THE STORIES, THE BETTER. REMEMBER--CRAZT STORIES PUBLISHES ONLY GREAT STORIES, AND YOU MUST INDICATE AS MUCH IN THE BLURB TO EACH STORY. ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?"

"Uh--- " said John, doubtfully.

"GOOD. YOU WILL ARRANGE THE TABLE OF CONTENTS ON THE FOLLOWING PLAN: ALL STORIES WHICH RUN MORE THAN FIVE PRINTED PAGES ARE NOVELETTES: ANYTHING OVER TEN PAGES IS A BOOK-LENGTH NOVEL. LET ME SEE-- WHAT ELSE? OH, OF COURSE. YOU MUST WRITE THE LETTERS DEPARTMENT. WE DO USE SOME LETTERS ACTUALLY FROM READERS, BUT THEY MUST BE TOUCHED UP, YOU KNOW--DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?"

"Yes," said John, reminiscently.

"FINE. OF COURSE, YOU REALIZE THAT AS EDITOR YOUR MAIN DURY IS TO WRITE ABOUT 90% OF THE FICTION CONTENT OF EACH ISSUE-- "

"What?" John was on his feet, jaw hanging slack.

"PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT. I WAS SAYING THAT YOU OF COURSE WRITE MOST OF THE STORIES WE USE, SINCE VERY FEW WRITERS STOOP SO LOW-ER, KAFF-KAFF! HAH-HAH! THAT OLD SENSE OF HUMOR OF MINE, YOU KNOW! HO-HO! WELL NR--ER, AH WELL, LET'S GET TO WORK, LETS GET TO WORK! YOUR PRIVATE OFFICE IS IN THAT ROOM OVER THERE. IF YOU NEED ANY ASSISTANCE JUST YELL, AND MISS O'GILLIKUDDY WILL COME AT ONCE. OH, ONE MORE THING. IF YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO MIGHT ACCEPT A RATE SOMEWHAT LOWER THAN OUR REGULAR--WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. AND NOW, STOP WASTING MY TIME AND GET TO WORK BEFORE I TAKE STEPS!"

John, overwhelmed, opened the door indicated and peered in. The room looked very much like a closet rigged out with an electric light, a char, a waste-basket, and a small desk--evidently designed for tiny tots--on which stood a typewriter, with a blue pencil reposing impatiently beside it. John switched on the light and entered, softly closing the door behind him. He seated himself, trembling. it was really quite a morning, and the cumulative emotional shocks left him not quite master of himself--but why worry, with J. Van Wyss Underheld around?

John picked up the blue pencis and turned it over and over in his fingers, thoughtfully.

"Gosh," he said, fervently, "it seems almost too good to be true."

The End

Saving...

8 * * * Banshee POSITIONS HAVE YOU HELD PREVIOUSLY?" "Well--" "I THOUGHT SO. WELL, THIS WILL BE VALUABLE EXPERIENCE FOR YOU YOUNG MAN. DO YOU KNOW THE FIRST LAW OF HOLDING A POSITION? I THOUGHT NOT. IT IS TO OBEY YOUR SUPERIORS. THAT'S A GREAT RULE, MY BOY-- FOLLOW IT THROUGHOUT LIFE, AND THE WAY WILL BE MADE EASIER FOR YOU. OTHERWISE, AND PARTICULARLY IN THE EDITING BUSINESS, TROUBLE--SERIOUS TROUBLE, WILL BE YOUR LOT. OBEDIENCE IS YOUR SACRED DUTY TO THE BUSINESS AND TO YOURSELF." He paused. "Yes sir." John said, obediently. "Oh, yes sir." "NOW." said Underheld, with something of approval in his tone. "HERE ARE YOUR DUTIES (ARE YOU TAKING NOTES ON THIS? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?). FIRST, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES WHICH ARE WELL WRITTEN. OUR READERS HAVE NO LITERARY TASTE. SECOND, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES WITH CONTAIN ANY SCIENCE SHUT UP. THIRD, YOU MUST REJECT ALL STORIES BY THE AUTHORS ON THIS LIST--NEVER MIND WHY. AND YOU MUST ACCEPT ALL STORIES BY ALL THE AUTHORS ON THIS OTHER LIST--NO, I WILL NOT EXPLAIN WHY. THEN YOU MUST WRITE BLURBS FOR ALL STORIES--THE LEST CONNECTION THEY HAVE WITH THE STORIES, THE BETTER. REMEMBER--CRAZT STORIES PUBLISHES ONLY GREAT STORIES, AND YOU MUST INDICATE AS MUCH IN THE BLURB TO EACH STORY. ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?" "Uh--- " said John, doubtfully. "GOOD. YOU WILL ARRANGE THE TABLE OF CONTENTS ON THE FOLLOWING PLAN: ALL STORIES WHICH RUN MORE THAN FIVE PRINTED PAGES ARE NOVELETTES: ANYTHING OVER TEN PAGES IS A BOOK-LENGTH NOVEL. LET ME SEE-- WHAT ELSE? OH, OF COURSE. YOU MUST WRITE THE LETTERS DEPARTMENT. WE DO USE SOME LETTERS ACTUALLY FROM READERS, BUT THEY MUST BE TOUCHED UP, YOU KNOW--DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?" "Yes," said John, reminiscently. "FINE. OF COURSE, YOU REALIZE THAT AS EDITOR YOUR MAIN DURY IS TO WRITE ABOUT 90% OF THE FICTION CONTENT OF EACH ISSUE-- " "What?" John was on his feet, jaw hanging slack. "PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT. I WAS SAYING THAT YOU OF COURSE WRITE MOST OF THE STORIES WE USE, SINCE VERY FEW WRITERS STOOP SO LOW-ER, KAFF-KAFF! HAH-HAH! THAT OLD SENSE OF HUMOR OF MINE, YOU KNOW! HO-HO! WELL NR--ER, AH WELL, LET'S GET TO WORK, LETS GET TO WORK! YOUR PRIVATE OFFICE IS IN THAT ROOM OVER THERE. IF YOU NEED ANY ASSISTANCE JUST YELL, AND MISS O'GILLIKUDDY WILL COME AT ONCE. OH, ONE MORE THING. IF YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO MIGHT ACCEPT A RATE SOMEWHAT LOWER THAN OUR REGULAR--WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. AND NOW, STOP WASTING MY TIME AND GET TO WORK BEFORE I TAKE STEPS!" John, overwhelmed, opened the door indicated and peered in. The room looked very much like a closet rigged out with an electric light, a char, a waste-basket, and a small desk--evidently designed for tiny tots--on which stood a typewriter, with a blue pencil reposing impatiently beside it. John switched on the light and entered, softly closing the door behind him. He seated himself, trembling. it was really quite a morning, and the cumulative emotional shocks left him not quite master of himself--but why worry, with J. Van Wyss Underheld around? John picked up the blue pencis and turned it over and over in his fingers, thoughtfully. "Gosh," he said, fervently, "it seems almost too good to be true." The End