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Spacewarp, v. 5, issue 4, whole no. 28, July 1949
Page 16
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"Say," I sez to the prof. "How do you turn this here now rocket-ship off?" That was necessary because Mars was dead ahead. I squinted out the porthole at the nose of the ship. There was a little lump of frozen mud stuck on it. I thought of Stephen Foster. Any minute now, the cold, cold ground was gonna be in mars. There was a peculiar expression on the professor's countenance. It was a cross between bewilderment and stupidity. With stupidity in the lead. "Jeewillikers!" he exclaimed, complete with the exclamation point. "I invented how to begin da t'ing, but I ain't yet figgered about how to stop it!" Betty began to display her emotions. She displays everything else all the time so she might as well display her emotions once in a while. She kicked the professor three times in the lower end of the spine. All on one bounce. Then she began on me. First she pulled my ears. Just call me "elephant ears" from now on. Then she...well, I ain't exactly an eunuch, but it isn't her fault.....I managed to back away and slam the door of a supply room between us. I hid amongst the flying suits to escape the flying boots. Meanwhile Mars was looming larger and larger in the viewscreen. (Maybe I shoulda sold this to PLANET?) Just as I stepped outside, Betty greeted me cheerily. What a left uppercut that gal has! The Professor was coming around. we poured some water on him. He started to scream. He thought we were trying to make him drink it. "Do something!" Betty commanded him. Not an unreasonable request, when you stop to consider it. "Ya espect me ta t'ink of everyt'ing? Aint it enough I should invent d'ting and git it working, wit'out figgern howta stop it yet?" I made a speech that even r-tRapp wouldn't print. Not even on a cover. Betty seconded my remarks. I'd never realized before how much her childhood years of driving a mule team in Death Valley had broadened her vocabulary. Her words were enough to make Les Croutch blush. And Mars was now only a few hundred miles away! We watched with bated breath while the professor figured. Man, how the papers flew! I picked one up. It read: "Paydirt in the 4th at Belmont..." Then we arrived on Mars. It was a bit of a mess. Professor whatzizname, alas, isn't with us any longer. The shock of landing was too great for him. He didn't have the presence of mind that I did. Me, I saw what was going to happen and grabbed Betty and squeezed her as tight as I could. The shock shook us up quite a bit, but it didn't hurt. Betty, she was so damn mad at the terrific landing, she shot a withering glance at the side of our ship. It withered, and we crawled out. A small, purple man was standing there, looking at us. * * * Mars has a high civilization. They were years ahead of us in space travel. They hadn't visited Earth because a copy of SPACEWARP had accidentally drifted there. Would you? But all that is another story. Remind me to tell it to you sometime. -- END -- (16)
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"Say," I sez to the prof. "How do you turn this here now rocket-ship off?" That was necessary because Mars was dead ahead. I squinted out the porthole at the nose of the ship. There was a little lump of frozen mud stuck on it. I thought of Stephen Foster. Any minute now, the cold, cold ground was gonna be in mars. There was a peculiar expression on the professor's countenance. It was a cross between bewilderment and stupidity. With stupidity in the lead. "Jeewillikers!" he exclaimed, complete with the exclamation point. "I invented how to begin da t'ing, but I ain't yet figgered about how to stop it!" Betty began to display her emotions. She displays everything else all the time so she might as well display her emotions once in a while. She kicked the professor three times in the lower end of the spine. All on one bounce. Then she began on me. First she pulled my ears. Just call me "elephant ears" from now on. Then she...well, I ain't exactly an eunuch, but it isn't her fault.....I managed to back away and slam the door of a supply room between us. I hid amongst the flying suits to escape the flying boots. Meanwhile Mars was looming larger and larger in the viewscreen. (Maybe I shoulda sold this to PLANET?) Just as I stepped outside, Betty greeted me cheerily. What a left uppercut that gal has! The Professor was coming around. we poured some water on him. He started to scream. He thought we were trying to make him drink it. "Do something!" Betty commanded him. Not an unreasonable request, when you stop to consider it. "Ya espect me ta t'ink of everyt'ing? Aint it enough I should invent d'ting and git it working, wit'out figgern howta stop it yet?" I made a speech that even r-tRapp wouldn't print. Not even on a cover. Betty seconded my remarks. I'd never realized before how much her childhood years of driving a mule team in Death Valley had broadened her vocabulary. Her words were enough to make Les Croutch blush. And Mars was now only a few hundred miles away! We watched with bated breath while the professor figured. Man, how the papers flew! I picked one up. It read: "Paydirt in the 4th at Belmont..." Then we arrived on Mars. It was a bit of a mess. Professor whatzizname, alas, isn't with us any longer. The shock of landing was too great for him. He didn't have the presence of mind that I did. Me, I saw what was going to happen and grabbed Betty and squeezed her as tight as I could. The shock shook us up quite a bit, but it didn't hurt. Betty, she was so damn mad at the terrific landing, she shot a withering glance at the side of our ship. It withered, and we crawled out. A small, purple man was standing there, looking at us. * * * Mars has a high civilization. They were years ahead of us in space travel. They hadn't visited Earth because a copy of SPACEWARP had accidentally drifted there. Would you? But all that is another story. Remind me to tell it to you sometime. -- END -- (16)
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