DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Damn Thing, v. 1, issue 2, December 1940

Transcribe
Translate

Damn Thing, v. 1, issue 2, December 1940

Page 6

THE DAMN THING     PAGE 6

archibald was a FAN MAG editor

by Lothar Penguin

Archibald repressed a desire to SCREAM!!! His emotions were simply swirling madly about. He felt like picking the typewritter up and THROWING IT ON THE FLOOR with shattering force! Then, he would start in on the table. Out the window! This action would be followed by a game of baseball with various household utensils featuring the chair as bat. Oh! He could just blow up! And it was all over these Eastern fans. However, let us go back a bit.

Archibald first became interested in science fiction (Gad! Where have I heard that before?) when his father disappeared in a strange machine which he had been making in the basement. Then he saw a magazine with a covour which looked like the machine. In the back there were a lot of magazines advertised. "Gasways", "Senile", "Futile Fanout", "Shangri-Blah" and a lot of others. (This is as far as we have to go. You know the rest. It's an old story.)

Well, when he got through reading all of these he decided he had better put out his share of the moronity. Thus was born his brainchild, "THE SCIENCE FICTION STINK." This wasn't bad as far as Archie was concerned, but then one day he got a letter, his first one, from Gestunckelheim, who called himself a "Fuw-turian." Eagerly he opened it. Here was his first sceientifiction comment about his magazine; his first letter from a fellow scientifictionist about science fiction fandom! As he slit the flap, he was surprised to see a Red Hammer and Scyth emblem fall out; also an address to "Illi Sovietska Juanarillachavitchii" by Joseph Stalin. In red ink, the following was inscribed: Dear Mr. Archibald: The CSSoSFF (Committee for Soviet Socilisation of Science Fiction Fandom wishes to warn you that any further capitalistic propaganda, such as your article called "SCIENCE FICTION and DEMOCRACY", will meet with sever disaproval and possible picketing by the members of the CSSoSFF. Signed: Donald Gestunckelheim.

Archibald was quite preturbed. This was the first time he had heard of any such dissention in fandom. He had always dreamed of fandom as being a group of happy or (slap-happy) people. He attached a clothespin to his nose and carefully deposited the red horror in the ash can. By now the afternoon mail had come, and Archibald hurried out to read the latest, in hopes of some comment about science fiction. This letter, he noted was from Samuel Petrogradovitch. (Catch on pal?) When he opened it, a bunch of stickers fell out. "NEWARK IN 1941." This was quite strange to Archibald, for he had always through the 1941 convention was to be in Denver. The letter went as follows: Dear Mr. Archibald: I guess that you have not heard of New Fandom. New Fandom is a democratic organisation for the ultimate unification of fandom. This democratic organisation put on the first World Science Fiction Convention in New York, which was open to all. (Except those we don't like.) We are now putting on another convention. Don't pay any attention to anyone who says the Convention is going to be put on in Denver. We believe oh, so firmly, in Democracy, and we want to know why in hell we can't hold a convention when we damn please! Heil! Sam Petrogradovitch. (P.S. Gestunckelheim---stinks.) (P.P.S. The Phille Mob stinks.) (P.P.S.S. The Damn Thing stinks.)

Just as Archibald was recovouring from this shock, the door bell rang. It was a Special Delivery boy. "A letter for the editor of the Science Fiction Stink, he chirped. "At last," Archibald sighed, "a real letter from a SCIENCE FICTION fan. He gladly payed the Postage due collection, and went inside to read it.

This letter was from Raymond Vander Hornblatten. Neatly engraved on the return address was the title "The Intellectual Brotherhood of Pro-Scientists." Archibald could hardly keep from dancing. A real science fiction comment! He opened

Saving...

THE DAMN THING PAGE 6 archibald was a FAN MAG editor by Lothar Penguin Archibald repressed a desire to SCREAM!!! His emotions were simply swirling madly about. He felt like picking the typewritter up and THROWING IT ON THE FLOOR with shattering force! Then, he would start in on the table. Out the window! This action would be followed by a game of baseball with various household utensils featuring the chair as bat. Oh! He could just blow up! And it was all over these Eastern fans. However, let us go back a bit. Archibald first became interested in science fiction (Gad! Where have I heard that before?) when his father disappeared in a strange machine which he had been making in the basement. Then he saw a magazine with a covour which looked like the machine. In the back there were a lot of magazines advertised. "Gasways", "Senile", "Futile Fanout", "Shangri-Blah" and a lot of others. (This is as far as we have to go. You know the rest. It's an old story.) Well, when he got through reading all of these he decided he had better put out his share of the moronity. Thus was born his brainchild, "THE SCIENCE FICTION STINK." This wasn't bad as far as Archie was concerned, but then one day he got a letter, his first one, from Gestunckelheim, who called himself a "Fuw-turian." Eagerly he opened it. Here was his first sceientifiction comment about his magazine; his first letter from a fellow scientifictionist about science fiction fandom! As he slit the flap, he was surprised to see a Red Hammer and Scyth emblem fall out; also an address to "Illi Sovietska Juanarillachavitchii" by Joseph Stalin. In red ink, the following was inscribed: Dear Mr. Archibald: The CSSoSFF (Committee for Soviet Socilisation of Science Fiction Fandom wishes to warn you that any further capitalistic propaganda, such as your article called "SCIENCE FICTION and DEMOCRACY", will meet with sever disaproval and possible picketing by the members of the CSSoSFF. Signed: Donald Gestunckelheim. Archibald was quite preturbed. This was the first time he had heard of any such dissention in fandom. He had always dreamed of fandom as being a group of happy or (slap-happy) people. He attached a clothespin to his nose and carefully deposited the red horror in the ash can. By now the afternoon mail had come, and Archibald hurried out to read the latest, in hopes of some comment about science fiction. This letter, he noted was from Samuel Petrogradovitch. (Catch on pal?) When he opened it, a bunch of stickers fell out. "NEWARK IN 1941." This was quite strange to Archibald, for he had always through the 1941 convention was to be in Denver. The letter went as follows: Dear Mr. Archibald: I guess that you have not heard of New Fandom. New Fandom is a democratic organisation for the ultimate unification of fandom. This democratic organisation put on the first World Science Fiction Convention in New York, which was open to all. (Except those we don't like.) We are now putting on another convention. Don't pay any attention to anyone who says the Convention is going to be put on in Denver. We believe oh, so firmly, in Democracy, and we want to know why in hell we can't hold a convention when we damn please! Heil! Sam Petrogradovitch. (P.S. Gestunckelheim---stinks.) (P.P.S. The Phille Mob stinks.) (P.P.S.S. The Damn Thing stinks.) Just as Archibald was recovouring from this shock, the door bell rang. It was a Special Delivery boy. "A letter for the editor of the Science Fiction Stink, he chirped. "At last," Archibald sighed, "a real letter from a SCIENCE FICTION fan. He gladly payed the Postage due collection, and went inside to read it. This letter was from Raymond Vander Hornblatten. Neatly engraved on the return address was the title "The Intellectual Brotherhood of Pro-Scientists." Archibald could hardly keep from dancing. A real science fiction comment! He opened