DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Fan Slants, v. 1, issue 1, September 1943

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Fan Slants, v. 1, issue 1, September 1943

Page 32

32    FAN SLANTS

and saints, to libraries and books. The only sure way to kill a vampire or a witch was to burn the damned thing. When the Seljuk Turks didn't like a Christian City, they burned it, and in revenge, the Christians signed a contract with Lucy Fire Beelzebub to burn the eternal souls of the Seljuks and all other infidel dogs in Sheol. But the contract backfired because, according to Mahomet, leading judicial authority of the seljuks, the Christians themselves were infidel dogs. So Miss B., according to the terms of the contract, had to burn the Christians for the Seljuks as well as vice versa. And then there was John the Hustler, who had his goose cooked. And when the Anglophiles burned Joan of Arc, she made such a bright light, that one of the earlies electric lights were named for her. And then there was another variation: if someone accused a man of being no good for nothing, they would all try to burn him, and if he couldn't stand the fire he got all burned up about it, and wasn't no good for nothing but ashes. If the fire DIDN'T burn him, he was good. In fact, if he could walk through a large bonfire without getting singed, he was DAMNED good! No, I take that back. They were all so damned confusing about things. If the fire burned him to a crisp, he was a good man---well done thou good and faithful servant. He's be
damned if he didn't get burned. And he would get burned if he got damned. And the worst about Miss Lucy's fire was the fact that it kept right on going till doomsday. When doomsday comes,what happens then? The fire just got a bit hotter, that's all, and Miss Lucy crawls in beside him and gets him all hot and bothered---hey! You gutter snipes! I didn't mean what you're thinking about! And there there was the time the Ottomans burned the library at Alexandria, YOW! but that was some flame! What a disaster! All the books about the hellsfire that rained on Sodom and Gomorrah, the burning of Queen Dodo's (whoops, I mean Dido's) funeral pyre, the Romans' burning Carthage, the time Prometheus stole some of the fire from Jupiter's hot spot, Rome burning while Nero diddled, Christians being used as lamp posts in Roman gardens, and Mr. V. Suvius burning Pompeii and Herculaneum——all those good hot books gone up in smoke, Tsk, tsk, such a barbarous waste of good books. 'Course, the Christians did the same things also. Every once in awhile, there was a book bonfire- somewhere or other in Europe. It was quite good sport. That's why everyone was ignorant---they burned up all the books. And ignorance is bliss, so that quiet naturally brings us to why I wrote this part of the column. S̲P̲E̲C̲I̲A̲L̲ ̲A̲N̲N̲O̲U̲N̲C̲E̲M̲E̲N̲T̲l
(All pyromaniacs take note) THE DARK AGES ARE BEING REVIVED! O happie day! The Great Beelzebub has done done it. In Southern California, a
black mask: ceremony is held at regular intervals, at which books are burned. The scriptures go up in smoke, O happie day. Being opposed to religion myself, I rejoice to see this thing. First the intolerant church burned the heretics. Now it is our turn for intolerance and burning. Rally behind the First Unholy Church of Southern California! Burn
all the Bibles! Keep them from falling into the hands of our children. We must be stern censors of the public amorals [sic]. Be intolerant! Burn the books!   Revive the Dark Ages! 

S̲H̲O̲T̲ ̲I̲N̲ ̲T̲H̲E̲ ̲A̲R̲M̲:

"What this country needs is a - - - - -"   A bit hackworn, isn't it? We get a bit tired of hearing the soapboxers express their ideas of the one-and-only-solution-to-all-of-the-world's'-ills. Yet, once in a while, someone does express a fairly decent idea. And once in a while, someone does something about it.

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32 FAN SLANTS and saints, to libraries and books. The only sure way to kill a vampire or a witch was to burn the damned thing. When the Seljuk Turks didn't like a Christian City, they burned it, and in revenge, the Christians signed a contract with Lucy Fire Beelzebub to burn the eternal souls of the Seljuks and all other infidel dogs in Sheol. But the contract backfired because, according to Mahomet, leading judicial authority of the seljuks, the Christians themselves were infidel dogs. So Miss B., according to the terms of the contract, had to burn the Christians for the Seljuks as well as vice versa. And then there was John the Hustler, who had his goose cooked. And when the Anglophiles burned Joan of Arc, she made such a bright light, that one of the earlies electric lights were named for her. And then there was another variation: if someone accused a man of being no good for nothing, they would all try to burn him, and if he couldn't stand the fire he got all burned up about it, and wasn't no good for nothing but ashes. If the fire DIDN'T burn him, he was good. In fact, if he could walk through a large bonfire without getting singed, he was DAMNED good! No, I take that back. They were all so damned confusing about things. If the fire burned him to a crisp, he was a good man---well done thou good and faithful servant. He's be damned if he didn't get burned. And he would get burned if he got damned. And the worst about Miss Lucy's fire was the fact that it kept right on going till doomsday. When doomsday comes,what happens then? The fire just got a bit hotter, that's all, and Miss Lucy crawls in beside him and gets him all hot and bothered---hey! You gutter snipes! I didn't mean what you're thinking about! And there there was the time the Ottomans burned the library at Alexandria, YOW! but that was some flame! What a disaster! All the books about the hellsfire that rained on Sodom and Gomorrah, the burning of Queen Dodo's (whoops, I mean Dido's) funeral pyre, the Romans' burning Carthage, the time Prometheus stole some of the fire from Jupiter's hot spot, Rome burning while Nero diddled, Christians being used as lamp posts in Roman gardens, and Mr. V. Suvius burning Pompeii and Herculaneum——all those good hot books gone up in smoke, Tsk, tsk, such a barbarous waste of good books. 'Course, the Christians did the same things also. Every once in awhile, there was a book bonfire- somewhere or other in Europe. It was quite good sport. That's why everyone was ignorant---they burned up all the books. And ignorance is bliss, so that quiet naturally brings us to why I wrote this part of the column. S̲P̲E̲C̲I̲A̲L̲ ̲A̲N̲N̲O̲U̲N̲C̲E̲M̲E̲N̲T̲l (All pyromaniacs take note) THE DARK AGES ARE BEING REVIVED! O happie day! The Great Beelzebub has done done it. In Southern California, a black mask: ceremony is held at regular intervals, at which books are burned. The scriptures go up in smoke, O happie day. Being opposed to religion myself, I rejoice to see this thing. First the intolerant church burned the heretics. Now it is our turn for intolerance and burning. Rally behind the First Unholy Church of Southern California! Burn all the Bibles! Keep them from falling into the hands of our children. We must be stern censors of the public amorals [sic]. Be intolerant! Burn the books! Revive the Dark Ages! S̲H̲O̲T̲ ̲I̲N̲ ̲T̲H̲E̲ ̲A̲R̲M̲: "What this country needs is a - - - - -" A bit hackworn, isn't it? We get a bit tired of hearing the soapboxers express their ideas of the one-and-only-solution-to-all-of-the-world's'-ills. Yet, once in a while, someone does express a fairly decent idea. And once in a while, someone does something about it.