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En Garde, whole no. 7, September 1943
Page 9
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page 9 THE CEREAL UNIVERSE By Wata Vi Dunne No doubt you've heard by this time about how Slan Shack became a reality, and about how Walt Liebscher moved to Battle Creek to become one of the charter tenants. You may even have heard the rumor about how the well-know sirens of Joliet howled all night after Walt's abrupt departure, and how the bloodhounds bayed a nocturnal accompaniment, all to no avail, for Walt was very clever in his leave-taking. Of course, one flatly denies the truth of the rumor---yet........ Anyway, Walt arrived in Battle Creek. You've heard of the place. Everyone has. Remember when you sat boredly munching your "crispy, crunchy" breakfast, and absently reading the advertising on the box? Remember where it said, "Made in Pattle Creek, Mich.? So Walt arrived. He apparently had entertained visions of sponging off of the Ashleys for the rest of his unnatural life. He certainly proceeded to try; but his involuntary hosts rapidly developed other ideas on the subject. Much to his chagrin, regret, and everlasting disillusionment, Walt was constrained to seek a job. The labor shortage in Battle Creek is acute at the present time. This fact, coupled with an enthusiastic self-selling job, landed Walt a trial. They put him to work moulding KIX. All went well for the first day, but by the second the Liebscher imagination began clamoring for expression. KIX soon commenced pouring in from the Inspectors. Drop-KIX and goal-KIX had been showing up here and there. Now and then they even discovered a pair or two of half-soled-KIX. It was too much. A number of well-placed KIX soon ushered him out of the job. Walt's next effort landed him a position as Test-Taster for ALL BRAIN. He lasted three days on this job. Such quantities of bulky indigestables proven too much for even his peculiar constitution. Then too, his sensitive spirit quailed at continual contact with that amount of rough-stuff. They gave him a medical discharge. So he got a job weaving SHREDDED WHEAT. But he got to woofing so much about the wear and tear on his fingers that he warped the warp. They didn't bounce him out of this job---he wove out the window when he saw them coming. Screwing the nuts on the grapes to make GRAPENUTS got Walt all confused. As nearly everybody knows, the only grapes that are threaded are raisins. But this was a new wrinkle to Walt. They transferred him to another department, but here INSTANT POSTUM proved much too [fast?] for him. Well, there was nothing to do but keep shunting him around in hopes of finding some job he could handle. They tried him on putting the post in POST TOASTIES, but he always managed to get too much post and not enough toast. As this gave the finished product a woody flavor, Walt again embarked on his search for a job. Next Walt wrangled work on the PUFFED RICE cannons. All day long he would march up and down the lines of cereal artillery, whistling a martial tune and merrily jerking the lanyards. Boom,
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page 9 THE CEREAL UNIVERSE By Wata Vi Dunne No doubt you've heard by this time about how Slan Shack became a reality, and about how Walt Liebscher moved to Battle Creek to become one of the charter tenants. You may even have heard the rumor about how the well-know sirens of Joliet howled all night after Walt's abrupt departure, and how the bloodhounds bayed a nocturnal accompaniment, all to no avail, for Walt was very clever in his leave-taking. Of course, one flatly denies the truth of the rumor---yet........ Anyway, Walt arrived in Battle Creek. You've heard of the place. Everyone has. Remember when you sat boredly munching your "crispy, crunchy" breakfast, and absently reading the advertising on the box? Remember where it said, "Made in Pattle Creek, Mich.? So Walt arrived. He apparently had entertained visions of sponging off of the Ashleys for the rest of his unnatural life. He certainly proceeded to try; but his involuntary hosts rapidly developed other ideas on the subject. Much to his chagrin, regret, and everlasting disillusionment, Walt was constrained to seek a job. The labor shortage in Battle Creek is acute at the present time. This fact, coupled with an enthusiastic self-selling job, landed Walt a trial. They put him to work moulding KIX. All went well for the first day, but by the second the Liebscher imagination began clamoring for expression. KIX soon commenced pouring in from the Inspectors. Drop-KIX and goal-KIX had been showing up here and there. Now and then they even discovered a pair or two of half-soled-KIX. It was too much. A number of well-placed KIX soon ushered him out of the job. Walt's next effort landed him a position as Test-Taster for ALL BRAIN. He lasted three days on this job. Such quantities of bulky indigestables proven too much for even his peculiar constitution. Then too, his sensitive spirit quailed at continual contact with that amount of rough-stuff. They gave him a medical discharge. So he got a job weaving SHREDDED WHEAT. But he got to woofing so much about the wear and tear on his fingers that he warped the warp. They didn't bounce him out of this job---he wove out the window when he saw them coming. Screwing the nuts on the grapes to make GRAPENUTS got Walt all confused. As nearly everybody knows, the only grapes that are threaded are raisins. But this was a new wrinkle to Walt. They transferred him to another department, but here INSTANT POSTUM proved much too [fast?] for him. Well, there was nothing to do but keep shunting him around in hopes of finding some job he could handle. They tried him on putting the post in POST TOASTIES, but he always managed to get too much post and not enough toast. As this gave the finished product a woody flavor, Walt again embarked on his search for a job. Next Walt wrangled work on the PUFFED RICE cannons. All day long he would march up and down the lines of cereal artillery, whistling a martial tune and merrily jerking the lanyards. Boom,
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