DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Le Zombie, v. 5, issue 1, whole no. 48, July-August 1942

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Le Zombie, v. 5, issue 1, whole no. 48, July-August 1942

Page 5

(5)

The taxi driver will be entrusted with the piloting of the ship. His experience will prove invaluable. The junior observer of meteorology is to have a telescope and observatory all to himself, wherefrom, at hourly intervals, he will issue reports of weather conditions in space. The statistical clerk is to make a daily check to find how many fans were lost (or thrown) overboard during the previous night. (All authors are to be thrown out, minus suits, immediately we enter naked space.)

The housewife is to be official cook, the ex-secretary an "ex" no longer, will become personal secretary to Captain Tucker. (Her husband will be left behind of course.)  The newspaperman, the editor, and the editorial assistant will get our a daily edition of LeZ to amuse and inform the passengers. There will be a slight charge, to be paid when the issue is purchased from the paper boy. The two mail clerks will conduct the ship's postoffice; the messengers may be hired for the carrying of mash notes between passengers. The advertising clerk will doubtlessly amuse himself by posting signs warning of pink tooth brush and dandruff.

The Army and Navy men aboard shall constitute the police force, and at reasonable intervals will play off an Army-Navy game in the ship's stadium. (Reasonable fee to be charged at the gate.) While we anticipate no work for the shoe salesman, he will be kept suitably employed by painting decorative scenes and designs upon portholes and other windows. The foreman will supervise the work. The filling station attendent will be dressed in a space suit and stationed outside the ship to wipe off the dew as soon as it forms on windows and portholes. It shall also be his duty to see that the tail light is burning at all times.

The government clerk shall be kept busy spinning red tape and the unemployed shall be put to work unwinding it. The clothing worker will dash about undoing the damage wrought by moths.

As soon as we land upon an alien planet the translator is to rapidly learn the language, and then assisted by the students, clerks and typists, compile a short history of the place to be used in travel folders. The miner is to dash about looking for rich ores or virgin metals. He is to gather up all of same, even if he finds it hung about the necks of the natives, wrought in pendants, necklaces and so forth. The physican is to follow him up with a bottle of iodine and bandages in the event the natives are non-cooperative and slice off the miner's head. If the natives prove to be nasty and in a homicidal mood, the coca-cola salesmen will be sent forth to "sell" them Peace, Prosperity and the Benefits of the White Man's Civilization. Persons aboard the ship with Brotherhood Societies and other idealogies may go with them to practice their wares if they choose. We warn such people, however, that they may not bring aboard natives who have been converted to Esperanto and etc. etc.

Having no suitable employment for the aviation men, they will be given permission to build model planes for sale to the passengers. The offense worker may go about manufacturing lead-pipe bombs and other sundry implements of murder to toss at passengers with whom the Captain is displeased. It goes without saying, of course, that all women aboard shall sit at the Captain's table in the dining room. Did we mention that Hon. Tucker is Captain? Thus it will be readily seen that the offense worker will be valuable as a bodyguard to the Captain.

We plan this great flight for early in the Spring of 1946. Inasmuch as we anticipate a tremendous rush for cabins, staterooms, upper and lower berths and sitting room in the steerage, we advise you to buy your ticket early. Prices are in keeping with the fan tradition, which means of course that you won't be able to buy one untill you visit a loan shark.
Happy journey!

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(5) The taxi driver will be entrusted with the piloting of the ship. His experience will prove invaluable. The junior observer of meteorology is to have a telescope and observatory all to himself, wherefrom, at hourly intervals, he will issue reports of weather conditions in space. The statistical clerk is to make a daily check to find how many fans were lost (or thrown) overboard during the previous night. (All authors are to be thrown out, minus suits, immediately we enter naked space.) The housewife is to be official cook, the ex-secretary an "ex" no longer, will become personal secretary to Captain Tucker. (Her husband will be left behind of course.) The newspaperman, the editor, and the editorial assistant will get our a daily edition of LeZ to amuse and inform the passengers. There will be a slight charge, to be paid when the issue is purchased from the paper boy. The two mail clerks will conduct the ship's postoffice; the messengers may be hired for the carrying of mash notes between passengers. The advertising clerk will doubtlessly amuse himself by posting signs warning of pink tooth brush and dandruff. The Army and Navy men aboard shall constitute the police force, and at reasonable intervals will play off an Army-Navy game in the ship's stadium. (Reasonable fee to be charged at the gate.) While we anticipate no work for the shoe salesman, he will be kept suitably employed by painting decorative scenes and designs upon portholes and other windows. The foreman will supervise the work. The filling station attendent will be dressed in a space suit and stationed outside the ship to wipe off the dew as soon as it forms on windows and portholes. It shall also be his duty to see that the tail light is burning at all times. The government clerk shall be kept busy spinning red tape and the unemployed shall be put to work unwinding it. The clothing worker will dash about undoing the damage wrought by moths. As soon as we land upon an alien planet the translator is to rapidly learn the language, and then assisted by the students, clerks and typists, compile a short history of the place to be used in travel folders. The miner is to dash about looking for rich ores or virgin metals. He is to gather up all of same, even if he finds it hung about the necks of the natives, wrought in pendants, necklaces and so forth. The physican is to follow him up with a bottle of iodine and bandages in the event the natives are non-cooperative and slice off the miner's head. If the natives prove to be nasty and in a homicidal mood, the coca-cola salesmen will be sent forth to "sell" them Peace, Prosperity and the Benefits of the White Man's Civilization. Persons aboard the ship with Brotherhood Societies and other idealogies may go with them to practice their wares if they choose. We warn such people, however, that they may not bring aboard natives who have been converted to Esperanto and etc. etc. Having no suitable employment for the aviation men, they will be given permission to build model planes for sale to the passengers. The offense worker may go about manufacturing lead-pipe bombs and other sundry implements of murder to toss at passengers with whom the Captain is displeased. It goes without saying, of course, that all women aboard shall sit at the Captain's table in the dining room. Did we mention that Hon. Tucker is Captain? Thus it will be readily seen that the offense worker will be valuable as a bodyguard to the Captain. We plan this great flight for early in the Spring of 1946. Inasmuch as we anticipate a tremendous rush for cabins, staterooms, upper and lower berths and sitting room in the steerage, we advise you to buy your ticket early. Prices are in keeping with the fan tradition, which means of course that you won't be able to buy one untill you visit a loan shark. Happy journey!