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Chanticleer, v. 1, issue 3, December 1945
Page 4
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J. WONTFORD LAYDSCHUR: BIBLIONIONS OR BOOKS THAT MAKE YOU WEEKP -o- FRUSTRATION -o- Once, in the life of every great author, there comes the uncontrollable urge to write a novel on the lachrymose side. Tear-jerkers, as they are affectionately called by the literati, make money, as they are read by old dowagers, the type that keep pekingese pets, and housemaids, who take care of the dowagers and loath the pekingese. Thus we can readily see that a biblionion appeals to all walks of life, and with such a ready market, who are we to frown upon the wet handkerchief. Undoubtedly the greatest tear-jerker of all time was "East Lynne". The wailing, caused by this three-hankie book, reverberated around the entire globe. Thus we may call "East Lynne" a veritable textbook of the wet novel. But, we must be careful not to attempt duplicating the pathos of "Lynne" in any manner. Several years after "Lynne" appeared the author wrote a book about "Lynne's" father, entitled "South Paw", which met with universal disclaim. The author's "West Abby", sometimes called "Westminster Abby" for short, also fell flat on dry eyes. Therefore we must retain the tear producing elements of "Lynne" and build our own plot around them. And that's not all. We must not be content with a mere three-hankie, or four-hankie novel. Our finished product must be at least a two-towel special. Once we produce such a story, the book will sell like mad and with such an increase in towel sales, that the novel will produce, we can get a linen company to subsidize our novel, thus adding mene mene tekel to our coffers. -o- PREPARATION -o- Before beginning the actual writing of our crying saga there are several prime requisites, necessary to get into the mood. 1. Attend three funerals a day for twenty-one days. 2. Force yourself to cry over the plight of the reducing complications which beset your obese mother-in-law. 3. Buy a print of the motion picture "The Jazz Singer" and become thoroughly saturated with "Sonny Boy". 4. Flood your innards with gin and work up a crying jag. When you have completed the foregoing preliminaries you should be in such a state of physical and mental collapse that you will be ready to weep at the mere thought of Mother Westwind's inability to located the seven little breezes. If you do not feel this way you'd better give up the idea of writing a biblionion and attempt to write jingles for Burma Shave.
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J. WONTFORD LAYDSCHUR: BIBLIONIONS OR BOOKS THAT MAKE YOU WEEKP -o- FRUSTRATION -o- Once, in the life of every great author, there comes the uncontrollable urge to write a novel on the lachrymose side. Tear-jerkers, as they are affectionately called by the literati, make money, as they are read by old dowagers, the type that keep pekingese pets, and housemaids, who take care of the dowagers and loath the pekingese. Thus we can readily see that a biblionion appeals to all walks of life, and with such a ready market, who are we to frown upon the wet handkerchief. Undoubtedly the greatest tear-jerker of all time was "East Lynne". The wailing, caused by this three-hankie book, reverberated around the entire globe. Thus we may call "East Lynne" a veritable textbook of the wet novel. But, we must be careful not to attempt duplicating the pathos of "Lynne" in any manner. Several years after "Lynne" appeared the author wrote a book about "Lynne's" father, entitled "South Paw", which met with universal disclaim. The author's "West Abby", sometimes called "Westminster Abby" for short, also fell flat on dry eyes. Therefore we must retain the tear producing elements of "Lynne" and build our own plot around them. And that's not all. We must not be content with a mere three-hankie, or four-hankie novel. Our finished product must be at least a two-towel special. Once we produce such a story, the book will sell like mad and with such an increase in towel sales, that the novel will produce, we can get a linen company to subsidize our novel, thus adding mene mene tekel to our coffers. -o- PREPARATION -o- Before beginning the actual writing of our crying saga there are several prime requisites, necessary to get into the mood. 1. Attend three funerals a day for twenty-one days. 2. Force yourself to cry over the plight of the reducing complications which beset your obese mother-in-law. 3. Buy a print of the motion picture "The Jazz Singer" and become thoroughly saturated with "Sonny Boy". 4. Flood your innards with gin and work up a crying jag. When you have completed the foregoing preliminaries you should be in such a state of physical and mental collapse that you will be ready to weep at the mere thought of Mother Westwind's inability to located the seven little breezes. If you do not feel this way you'd better give up the idea of writing a biblionion and attempt to write jingles for Burma Shave.
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