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Fantascience Digest, v. 3, issue 1, whole no. 12, January-February 1940

Page 9

FANTASCIENCE DIGEST                         Page 9
_________________________________________

[underlined] SCIENTIFICTIONAL REPTILES

      By R.R. Winterbotham
_________________________________________

   There are, broadly speaking, a number of distinct species of the class scientifictus fanaticus, which I have collected over a number of years. Not all are pests, and only a few are poisonous. Many serve a very good purpose. They are disitnguished by reading habits, structure, and cerebral makeup which I have endeavored to list in a few of the outstanding types.

Order I, Crocodilla. Omnivorous reading habits, usually feeding lying on their dorsal surface, or propped on pillows.  Their hind limbs are adapted only for walking to the nearest neighbor and borrowing his books and are almost useless for returning books.  The order gets its name from its habit of grinning broadly and snapping its jaws at the site of someone else's books.  Sub-order — Alligator — reads in the bathtub, getting books all wet and soapy.


Order II, Squamata.  This type is a snake because he publicly assails your favorite author and avidly reads with great gusto of that same author’s works in private.  He has been known to run down two or three good magazines, simply because his one and only effort at fiction, entitled, “The Ether Boys on the Moon, “ was turned down by the editors.  Sub-orders include such lizards, skincs, and chameleons that change color, shed tails, ears, etc., in the presence of notables at fan meetings to attract attention.

Order III, Chelonia.  This reptile is enclosed in a shell of a bony plates, which are impossible to penetrate with any argument. A typical example is our very good friend Isaac Asimov, whom we hope is listening, because he doesn't like our efforts to bring the women — God bless ’em — into our stories. Sub-order includes the Tortoise, editors who do not buy our stuff.  (We hope this class becomes extinct.)

Order IV, Thermorpha.  This class, including myself, is known only in fossils which have appeared in the public prints.  Has been discovered several times and immediately forgotten. Sometimes slow on the scent of a story, but like the mud turtle, likes his environment.

Order V, Pterosauria. Really Beautiful creatures on the surface. They have indiscriminate tastes, ranging from Ignatius Connelly to “Superman”, but are unable to distinguish scientific accuracy for pure fantasy and who believe in everything they read in that book about Atlantis. In their brain the optic lobes are widely separated from the cerebellum, indicating that what they read is rarely understood. Sub-order, The Spoofers, who read avidly and refuse to believe it.

Order VI, Ophidia. Many members of this class are poisonous. When they read a story they like, they immediately write one like it and when it is turned down, accuse you of having pull with the editor. More or less parasitic, when not poisonous.

Order VII, Dinosauria.  Not as extinct as many people imagine. Quite harmless. Often cry:  “Wow —Gee — what a pip of a story!”  May be distinguished from the crocodillia because he buys his own. Probably

(Continued on Page 11)

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FANTASCIENCE DIGEST Page 9 _________________________________________ [underlined] SCIENTIFICTIONAL REPTILES By R.R. Winterbotham _________________________________________ There are, broadly speaking, a number of distinct species of the class scientifictus fanaticus, which I have collected over a number of years. Not all are pests, and only a few are poisonous. Many serve a very good purpose. They are disitnguished by reading habits, structure, and cerebral makeup which I have endeavored to list in a few of the outstanding types. Order I, Crocodilla. Omnivorous reading habits, usually feeding lying on their dorsal surface, or propped on pillows. Their hind limbs are adapted only for walking to the nearest neighbor and borrowing his books and are almost useless for returning books. The order gets its name from its habit of grinning broadly and snapping its jaws at the site of someone else's books. Sub-order — Alligator — reads in the bathtub, getting books all wet and soapy. Order II, Squamata. This type is a snake because he publicly assails your favorite author and avidly reads with great gusto of that same author’s works in private. He has been known to run down two or three good magazines, simply because his one and only effort at fiction, entitled, “The Ether Boys on the Moon, “ was turned down by the editors. Sub-orders include such lizards, skincs, and chameleons that change color, shed tails, ears, etc., in the presence of notables at fan meetings to attract attention. Order III, Chelonia. This reptile is enclosed in a shell of a bony plates, which are impossible to penetrate with any argument. A typical example is our very good friend Isaac Asimov, whom we hope is listening, because he doesn't like our efforts to bring the women — God bless ’em — into our stories. Sub-order includes the Tortoise, editors who do not buy our stuff. (We hope this class becomes extinct.) Order IV, Thermorpha. This class, including myself, is known only in fossils which have appeared in the public prints. Has been discovered several times and immediately forgotten. Sometimes slow on the scent of a story, but like the mud turtle, likes his environment. Order V, Pterosauria. Really Beautiful creatures on the surface. They have indiscriminate tastes, ranging from Ignatius Connelly to “Superman”, but are unable to distinguish scientific accuracy for pure fantasy and who believe in everything they read in that book about Atlantis. In their brain the optic lobes are widely separated from the cerebellum, indicating that what they read is rarely understood. Sub-order, The Spoofers, who read avidly and refuse to believe it. Order VI, Ophidia. Many members of this class are poisonous. When they read a story they like, they immediately write one like it and when it is turned down, accuse you of having pull with the editor. More or less parasitic, when not poisonous. Order VII, Dinosauria. Not as extinct as many people imagine. Quite harmless. Often cry: “Wow —Gee — what a pip of a story!” May be distinguished from the crocodillia because he buys his own. Probably (Continued on Page 11)