DIY History | Transcribe | Hevelin Fanzines | Variant, v. 1, issue 3, September 1947

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Variant, v. 1, issue 3, September 1947

Page 12

coffee, and one for coke. I cannot help but suspect that the ratio is higher than this, unless they all stimulate each other, instead.
As to the delightful problem of how to hold a Martini, we see an interesting distribution in the mass. Five persons refused to commit themselves, sometimes indignantly. Six persons cautiously recommended holding it in both hands. Three persons advocated one in each hand. Two left it dependent on the feminine companionship. Two said that it should be held unless the drinker wished to lap it or slup it. Four admitted that it should be held. One spoke out for the right hand, one for the third tentacle, but only with Martian Martinis. Five, one way or another, said that it actually should be drunk immediately. One independent soul gave this logical answer, Left hand, to leave the right free for the olive.
As to whether the members face the East when drinking said Martini, this was interpreted in many ways. Most thought it an invitation to state the direction which they do face. In this fashion, one faces the Martini, one the bar, one at the Saratoga, faces the North. Two others, probably his companions, also face North. One probably an ex-barkeep there, faces south. Two admitted they faced the East only at sunrise, and it is not difficult to see the rosy glow on their sleepy faces as they do so. Four refused to answer, and two voiced a calm and equally non-commital no-. One yelled bluntly, Who the hell cares?
Now, to tackle the poser about green hair (a) on women (b) on frogs (c) on mermaids.  A very revealing thing this. Literal-minded persons definitely faltered here, so we have six with no comment on this first point, ten on the second, and seven with none on the third. Generally, however, more tried to answer it than did not. Some most enjoyable humor emerged, such as from the gentleman who filled out (a) with My dream girl!!!!!!!! and the gentleman who filled out (c) with Can't swim under water, cigarets have got my pipes. To condense it, women got 12 votes for green hair, 11 against. Frogs got 8 votes for, and ten against, and mermaids caused a lot of comment. Three objections to their hair being green were that it would look like seaweed, and three that it is difficult to judge, as the writer cannot swim, etc. 12 came out flat-footed for more and greener hair on  mermaids, and five were strictly against it.
When we reach the 13th question, we discover whether or not the member filling out the questionaire is frustrated. Here, we see the first evidence whatsoever that the members of this society have anything in common, for 21 of them stated that they were frustrated, often going into detail, or underlining, or placing gothic exclamation points after their affirmations. Four denied frustration, and even in the denial two confessed it with these answers, No, I've already gone crazy and out individual with the dull red pencil, No. Two stated that they were not frustrated, and sounded like it with I usually manage to get what I want, and Not often, being a determined person. The latter sounds somewhat spinsterish. The remaining three refuse to comment in any way. But, remember this figure for the PSFS, 21 out of 30 confess frustration and five make no comment, at all.
If you will pardon my sounding like a zoo for a moment, I will report that the following numbers of people believe that they resemble the following animals: 7-wolf, 3-mouse, 3-lion, 3-question  mark, 3-cat, 1 snake, 1-worm, 1-fox. In addition we have the following write-in votes. Members asserted their resemblance to a queen-bee, vulture, pig, hamster, monofinned narcissaclinch, louse, a spherodon and a mule. I, personally cannot avoid a deep and abiding curiosity as to the nature of (a) hamster, (b) spherodon, and (c) monofinned marcissaclinchi.

(12)

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coffee, and one for coke. I cannot help but suspect that the ratio is higher than this, unless they all stimulate each other, instead. As to the delightful problem of how to hold a Martini, we see an interesting distribution in the mass. Five persons refused to commit themselves, sometimes indignantly. Six persons cautiously recommended holding it in both hands. Three persons advocated one in each hand. Two left it dependent on the feminine companionship. Two said that it should be held unless the drinker wished to lap it or slup it. Four admitted that it should be held. One spoke out for the right hand, one for the third tentacle, but only with Martian Martinis. Five, one way or another, said that it actually should be drunk immediately. One independent soul gave this logical answer, Left hand, to leave the right free for the olive. As to whether the members face the East when drinking said Martini, this was interpreted in many ways. Most thought it an invitation to state the direction which they do face. In this fashion, one faces the Martini, one the bar, one at the Saratoga, faces the North. Two others, probably his companions, also face North. One probably an ex-barkeep there, faces south. Two admitted they faced the East only at sunrise, and it is not difficult to see the rosy glow on their sleepy faces as they do so. Four refused to answer, and two voiced a calm and equally non-commital no-. One yelled bluntly, Who the hell cares? Now, to tackle the poser about green hair (a) on women (b) on frogs (c) on mermaids. A very revealing thing this. Literal-minded persons definitely faltered here, so we have six with no comment on this first point, ten on the second, and seven with none on the third. Generally, however, more tried to answer it than did not. Some most enjoyable humor emerged, such as from the gentleman who filled out (a) with My dream girl!!!!!!!! and the gentleman who filled out (c) with Can't swim under water, cigarets have got my pipes. To condense it, women got 12 votes for green hair, 11 against. Frogs got 8 votes for, and ten against, and mermaids caused a lot of comment. Three objections to their hair being green were that it would look like seaweed, and three that it is difficult to judge, as the writer cannot swim, etc. 12 came out flat-footed for more and greener hair on mermaids, and five were strictly against it. When we reach the 13th question, we discover whether or not the member filling out the questionaire is frustrated. Here, we see the first evidence whatsoever that the members of this society have anything in common, for 21 of them stated that they were frustrated, often going into detail, or underlining, or placing gothic exclamation points after their affirmations. Four denied frustration, and even in the denial two confessed it with these answers, No, I've already gone crazy and out individual with the dull red pencil, No. Two stated that they were not frustrated, and sounded like it with I usually manage to get what I want, and Not often, being a determined person. The latter sounds somewhat spinsterish. The remaining three refuse to comment in any way. But, remember this figure for the PSFS, 21 out of 30 confess frustration and five make no comment, at all. If you will pardon my sounding like a zoo for a moment, I will report that the following numbers of people believe that they resemble the following animals: 7-wolf, 3-mouse, 3-lion, 3-question mark, 3-cat, 1 snake, 1-worm, 1-fox. In addition we have the following write-in votes. Members asserted their resemblance to a queen-bee, vulture, pig, hamster, monofinned narcissaclinch, louse, a spherodon and a mule. I, personally cannot avoid a deep and abiding curiosity as to the nature of (a) hamster, (b) spherodon, and (c) monofinned marcissaclinchi. (12)