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Iowa Greek Express, 1971
The Iowa Greek Express, Vol. 4 Page 3
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ODE to a TAIL THE EXPRESSWAY BY JOE KELLY JR. I really hate talking about spring break. All my buddies are either peeling skin from their sunny excursions to Daytona, Florida and the Bahamas; Ben Gaying bruises from Vail, Colorado and Kellington, Vermont; or nursing blisters from the long hitchhike to Canada; while I lightly, oh, so lightly, sit on my shortened tail recovering from surgery at one of the Iowa City's hospitals. The nature of my operation is not important but it isn't the type of wound that you can wear a dramatic sling or a romantic cast on. No, I'm afraid if I pulled a Lyndon Johnson and exposed my operation scars to the world I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. Let's put it this way, it's all behind me now! One thing that you always hear in satirical hospital articles is the story of the unfortunate patient who is awakened at 3:00 a.m. for a sleeping pill. This didn't happen to me-no, but they did wake me up at 3:00 a.m. for a plain shot "so we'll rest better!" Picture this: "Mr Kelly, Mr. Kelly, MR. KELLY, wake up!" I awoke amidst a violent shaking similar to the California Earthquake and the Clay v. Frazier bout, "Huh, huh, wha-what do you want?!" "Mr. Kelly, Mr. Kelly, it's time for a pain shot--you'll rest a lot better, Mr. Kelly, Now roll over and pull up your hospital gown." I was annoyed to say the least. At that moment of my rude awakening I was about to rub suntan lotion on Raquel Welsh's scantilly clad body while we were both ship-wrecked on some South Sea island paradise. Secondly, the lower half of my backsidewas a mass of bruises and small scabs from previous pain shots, nausea removing shots, bowel-cleaning shots, and salad for accidently dropped by a blushing high school dietary aide. "I don't need a shot-- I'm still flying around the room from the one I got at 12:00. Now let me sleep!" "Now, now, now, Mr. Kelly, this will make [[underline]]us[[end underline]] feel so much better." "Well if it's going to make [[underline]]us[[end underline]] feel so much better shoot it in yourself. Now, get out of here and make like a nice nurse on Ben Casey," I fired back. However, there's not use in arguing with nurses-- they always get their way. And if they don't get their way you end up getting an enema or being used for a demonstration on "Giving the Patient a Sponge Bath" in front of 25 first year nursing students. Two long vacation days later I laid in a bed of agony at 4:30 in the morning. I itched where my hair was beginning to grow back, my wound was sore, and I couldn't find my bed pan. Total and complete suffering. I hit my intercom button: "Nurse, nurse!" "yes, Mr. Kelly, may I help you?" she squawked back. "Nurse could I please have a pain shot or something to help me sleep--- it's 4:30 in the morning." "Mr. Kelly, you ought to be asleep, she said indignantly. "Just a moment. I'll check with your nurse." "My nurse--since when did I have my own nurse? Just send anybody down here who can give a shot or drop a pill in my mouth--please. I'll even take one of their sticky back rubs." "Mr. Kelly, your nurse is in some other part of the hospital right now--I will have her come in to see you as soon as she comes back." Finally, at 5;30 (the next afternoon) I passed out with a bullet between my teeth--no nurse yet. (I usually keep a spare bullet for such emergencies.) Basically I was treated pretty well, according to most Geneva Convention Rulings. Luckily, through all of this, I did have a great doctor -- I just couldn't get used to the voodoo mask and the buffalo bones. (Seriously- he did a great job and he's a nice guy). Surprisingly enough, the food wasn't half as bad as I had expected -- I wouldn't go out of my way to eat there though. I really want to thank those people that visited me and sent cards. I especially want to thank "Ole Tom for bringing up the cold Schlitz -- it's the only way to be "anesthetized." One thing about hospitals that you all should remember is that they're a rotten place to visit but a great place to be sick in! FIJI Phi Gamma Delta Fraternity University of Iowa 303 Ellis Ave. Iowa City, Iowa 52240 The men of Phi Gamma Delta want to take this space to welcome the high school seniors visiting the campus. If you care to see our house or have any questions please call 337-2165. The Iowa Greek System is a great one -- become a part of it! Thank you Redwood & Ross I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME ALL THE VISITING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS TO THE UNIVERSITY FO IOWA. PLEASE STOP IN AND SEE US DURING THE WEEKEND AND TAKE A LOOK AT OUR FINE MERCHANDISE. WE'RE PROUD OF IT AND YOU'LL BE PROUD TO WEAR IT BEST REGARDS, [[signature]]Ace Lambert, mgr. REDWOOD AND ROSS!!! 26 South Clinton, Ia. City
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ODE to a TAIL THE EXPRESSWAY BY JOE KELLY JR. I really hate talking about spring break. All my buddies are either peeling skin from their sunny excursions to Daytona, Florida and the Bahamas; Ben Gaying bruises from Vail, Colorado and Kellington, Vermont; or nursing blisters from the long hitchhike to Canada; while I lightly, oh, so lightly, sit on my shortened tail recovering from surgery at one of the Iowa City's hospitals. The nature of my operation is not important but it isn't the type of wound that you can wear a dramatic sling or a romantic cast on. No, I'm afraid if I pulled a Lyndon Johnson and exposed my operation scars to the world I'd be arrested for indecent exposure. Let's put it this way, it's all behind me now! One thing that you always hear in satirical hospital articles is the story of the unfortunate patient who is awakened at 3:00 a.m. for a sleeping pill. This didn't happen to me-no, but they did wake me up at 3:00 a.m. for a plain shot "so we'll rest better!" Picture this: "Mr Kelly, Mr. Kelly, MR. KELLY, wake up!" I awoke amidst a violent shaking similar to the California Earthquake and the Clay v. Frazier bout, "Huh, huh, wha-what do you want?!" "Mr. Kelly, Mr. Kelly, it's time for a pain shot--you'll rest a lot better, Mr. Kelly, Now roll over and pull up your hospital gown." I was annoyed to say the least. At that moment of my rude awakening I was about to rub suntan lotion on Raquel Welsh's scantilly clad body while we were both ship-wrecked on some South Sea island paradise. Secondly, the lower half of my backsidewas a mass of bruises and small scabs from previous pain shots, nausea removing shots, bowel-cleaning shots, and salad for accidently dropped by a blushing high school dietary aide. "I don't need a shot-- I'm still flying around the room from the one I got at 12:00. Now let me sleep!" "Now, now, now, Mr. Kelly, this will make [[underline]]us[[end underline]] feel so much better." "Well if it's going to make [[underline]]us[[end underline]] feel so much better shoot it in yourself. Now, get out of here and make like a nice nurse on Ben Casey," I fired back. However, there's not use in arguing with nurses-- they always get their way. And if they don't get their way you end up getting an enema or being used for a demonstration on "Giving the Patient a Sponge Bath" in front of 25 first year nursing students. Two long vacation days later I laid in a bed of agony at 4:30 in the morning. I itched where my hair was beginning to grow back, my wound was sore, and I couldn't find my bed pan. Total and complete suffering. I hit my intercom button: "Nurse, nurse!" "yes, Mr. Kelly, may I help you?" she squawked back. "Nurse could I please have a pain shot or something to help me sleep--- it's 4:30 in the morning." "Mr. Kelly, you ought to be asleep, she said indignantly. "Just a moment. I'll check with your nurse." "My nurse--since when did I have my own nurse? Just send anybody down here who can give a shot or drop a pill in my mouth--please. I'll even take one of their sticky back rubs." "Mr. Kelly, your nurse is in some other part of the hospital right now--I will have her come in to see you as soon as she comes back." Finally, at 5;30 (the next afternoon) I passed out with a bullet between my teeth--no nurse yet. (I usually keep a spare bullet for such emergencies.) Basically I was treated pretty well, according to most Geneva Convention Rulings. Luckily, through all of this, I did have a great doctor -- I just couldn't get used to the voodoo mask and the buffalo bones. (Seriously- he did a great job and he's a nice guy). Surprisingly enough, the food wasn't half as bad as I had expected -- I wouldn't go out of my way to eat there though. I really want to thank those people that visited me and sent cards. I especially want to thank "Ole Tom for bringing up the cold Schlitz -- it's the only way to be "anesthetized." One thing about hospitals that you all should remember is that they're a rotten place to visit but a great place to be sick in! FIJI Phi Gamma Delta Fraternity University of Iowa 303 Ellis Ave. Iowa City, Iowa 52240 The men of Phi Gamma Delta want to take this space to welcome the high school seniors visiting the campus. If you care to see our house or have any questions please call 337-2165. The Iowa Greek System is a great one -- become a part of it! Thank you Redwood & Ross I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME ALL THE VISITING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS TO THE UNIVERSITY FO IOWA. PLEASE STOP IN AND SEE US DURING THE WEEKEND AND TAKE A LOOK AT OUR FINE MERCHANDISE. WE'RE PROUD OF IT AND YOU'LL BE PROUD TO WEAR IT BEST REGARDS, [[signature]]Ace Lambert, mgr. REDWOOD AND ROSS!!! 26 South Clinton, Ia. City
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