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Snide, issue 2, February 1941
Page 14
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Via Sweepstakes by GORDON A. GILLICUTTY Ahoy, Earth! We say that because, believe it or not (unpaid adv), we are not on Jupiter any more! We are within ten million, two hundred thousand, nine hundred and ten miles, five feet and six inches of Earth, and rapidly approaching! Jupiter Expedition Number One resuming contact, via etherline radio. Operator Millway still tapping the keys. Funny how practically everyone gets killed off but me, isn't it? Stilson has kicked the bucket, by the way. Tch, tch. There is quite a bit of explaining to do, as always... I sometimes think it would be better if we got a new routine. Oh, well - here we go again. (Gloomy music) Five years ago, my last passage painted a pretty dark picture. Hordes of ferocious water-bugs were swooping down on us from Io, our precious can-opener was out of commission (Captain Batwell tried to shave with it), and we had come down with an attack of Martian Measles. What to do? We didn't know. We never know. But now, five years later, our problem is solved. You will be astounded, when I finally get around to telling you about it. Incidentally, we have just made a startling discovery about Earth, after practically commuting between it and a half-dozen other planets for the last decade or so. Earth is distinctly a blue planet! Not green, as might be expected from what we read in Revolting Science Stories. Parkers advances the logical explanation that the Earth's surface is mainly water, and water is blue. Sic. Earth! How brightly, how gloriously you shine in our eyes! Barnay, my sun-glasses. And [now?].. You are playing 'Hail, Dopes', the song dedicated to the Saturn expedition when it 14
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Via Sweepstakes by GORDON A. GILLICUTTY Ahoy, Earth! We say that because, believe it or not (unpaid adv), we are not on Jupiter any more! We are within ten million, two hundred thousand, nine hundred and ten miles, five feet and six inches of Earth, and rapidly approaching! Jupiter Expedition Number One resuming contact, via etherline radio. Operator Millway still tapping the keys. Funny how practically everyone gets killed off but me, isn't it? Stilson has kicked the bucket, by the way. Tch, tch. There is quite a bit of explaining to do, as always... I sometimes think it would be better if we got a new routine. Oh, well - here we go again. (Gloomy music) Five years ago, my last passage painted a pretty dark picture. Hordes of ferocious water-bugs were swooping down on us from Io, our precious can-opener was out of commission (Captain Batwell tried to shave with it), and we had come down with an attack of Martian Measles. What to do? We didn't know. We never know. But now, five years later, our problem is solved. You will be astounded, when I finally get around to telling you about it. Incidentally, we have just made a startling discovery about Earth, after practically commuting between it and a half-dozen other planets for the last decade or so. Earth is distinctly a blue planet! Not green, as might be expected from what we read in Revolting Science Stories. Parkers advances the logical explanation that the Earth's surface is mainly water, and water is blue. Sic. Earth! How brightly, how gloriously you shine in our eyes! Barnay, my sun-glasses. And [now?].. You are playing 'Hail, Dopes', the song dedicated to the Saturn expedition when it 14
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