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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971
1970-07-24 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 6
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Gay Experiences [hand drawing of male] High School Cultivating homosexual tendencies in high school was too easy. You don't have to know that you are going to be a lesbian when you first start to dig being with a girlfriend more than anybody in the world .. anyway, I didn't. Have you ever noticed that when you don't know what you're doing you do more? Naivete was my downfull for sure. I used to be casual about actions that society stereotypes as blatantly gay. Generally, high school was one really good friend after another with whom I had some very physical moments. That's what I mean about being naive. Neither one of us knew what we were classifying ourselves as by being as affectionate as we felt. After three really close friends and myself had gone through a time in our respective relationships of this physicality, I recognized a pattern in my friendships. My friends, apparently not confiding in one another, only saw the uniqueness of the experience for themselves. I immediately took on the burden of guilt. LIFE AND LOVE FOR TEENAGERS prescribed psychiatric counselling though they also stated that prognosis for cure was very low. Let's make a point of rewriting the chapter on homosexuality after the Revolution. It made me feel hopelessly dirty and sick. I became suspicious of any uncontrollable emotions and motives my strange new self might have. It was at that time, too, that I became very inhibited about being touchy with female people -- for fear of spreading my disease maybe. No one thought anything of feet or hands or heads touching at slumber parties -- no one but me. I even stopped playing basketball because I was afraid if they saw my body in the shower room they would somehow figure out what immoral disease I carried. I was really afraid. What had gone wrong with me? Was there anything wrong, or was it just coincidence until then? I tried not to dwell on it. There were lots of girls who were willing to be my friends, that's why cultivating this habit was so easy. I was just conscious of my 'tendencies' when we were in conducive situations; which was too often! By my last year in high school, having experienced intense loving relationships with females and the expected but superficial fliratiousness with males plus their cold, meaningless sex, I began to recognize how unjust society is in declaring normalcy to mean heterosexuality for all. I resented the double standard which I became aware of gradually through closer examination of my guilt. I concluded, and still believe, that 1) no person has a right or obligation to judge another's morals and behavior; 2) no group of people has a right to force its beliefs on others, penalizing rejection of these values with humiliating and severly demoralizing labels and their consequences; 3) this society does not encourage female people to develop to their greatest potential. After forming these opinions, I was off on a more serious trend of relationships — the real kind. I no longer feel guilty - I'm angry. After sneaking, hiding, lying, running away, awkward encounters with friends and parents I'm convinced I'm not acting more irrationally than they make me act or they are acting themselves. Acceptance I've briefly asked myself what being Gay has in common with the fight for Women's Liberation. At times I've felt that my being a member of WLF may even be hurting the group because some women might hesitate to join if they think that the group is just a bunch of "Man-haters". But I decided that there was a common bond and have equated the two (WLF and being gay) on the basis of respect. As long as I'm a woman, i.e., human being, I deserve a certain amount of respect more or less dependent upon if I'm personally worthy and have earned it. Yet, as soon as I say homosexual, in some eyes I immediately become a low animal if not hated, at least pitied. Therefore, as long as I'm a woman and am being cheated of my right for respect, my plight, even though perhaps in a different form, cannot be separated from all oppression and degradation of all women. This is an example of one of the situations that occur in the life of a homosexual. One weekend there was to be a small reunion with two of my friends, one of whom had known me for years. The other friend couldn't make it that weekend but we two made the best of it, talking over old times like a couple of old biddy gossips. Since my love life really couldn't be talked about as I never told her about my being Gay, I turned the conversation to who she was dating. She was happy to go into great detail, and I was relieved as this took the burden of the conversation off of me. Then she proceeded to tell me about some weirdo who was window peeking in her apartment and another one who was making obscene phone calls, both of which I could understand her being upset about. Through this part of our conversation she used the word "pervert" about 30 times (no exaggeration). Although not once did she use it in relation to homosexuals, each time she said it I cringed. [hand drawing of female] I wondered if she would call me "pervert" if she knew how I felt about women. Finally in the middle of her conversation I stopped her. I said, "Look, I'm going to tell you something, but I want you to remember, while I'm telling you this that I'm the same person you've always known and will afterwards -- I'm homosexual." She never even blinked. She started talking in short, fast bursts. "Oh really?," "I'd have never guessed it." Then I could see a change coming over her face as it started sinking in and she said, "If you lay one hand on me I'll knock you silly." Seeing as I hadn't even moved except for my eyes watching her hands and face, the menacing tone of her voice and the fear in her eyes would have been ludicrous if not for the fact that a minute ago this was a smiling chatty friend of mine. 6 Vol. 1 No. 3 [hand drawn arm] Ain't I
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Gay Experiences [hand drawing of male] High School Cultivating homosexual tendencies in high school was too easy. You don't have to know that you are going to be a lesbian when you first start to dig being with a girlfriend more than anybody in the world .. anyway, I didn't. Have you ever noticed that when you don't know what you're doing you do more? Naivete was my downfull for sure. I used to be casual about actions that society stereotypes as blatantly gay. Generally, high school was one really good friend after another with whom I had some very physical moments. That's what I mean about being naive. Neither one of us knew what we were classifying ourselves as by being as affectionate as we felt. After three really close friends and myself had gone through a time in our respective relationships of this physicality, I recognized a pattern in my friendships. My friends, apparently not confiding in one another, only saw the uniqueness of the experience for themselves. I immediately took on the burden of guilt. LIFE AND LOVE FOR TEENAGERS prescribed psychiatric counselling though they also stated that prognosis for cure was very low. Let's make a point of rewriting the chapter on homosexuality after the Revolution. It made me feel hopelessly dirty and sick. I became suspicious of any uncontrollable emotions and motives my strange new self might have. It was at that time, too, that I became very inhibited about being touchy with female people -- for fear of spreading my disease maybe. No one thought anything of feet or hands or heads touching at slumber parties -- no one but me. I even stopped playing basketball because I was afraid if they saw my body in the shower room they would somehow figure out what immoral disease I carried. I was really afraid. What had gone wrong with me? Was there anything wrong, or was it just coincidence until then? I tried not to dwell on it. There were lots of girls who were willing to be my friends, that's why cultivating this habit was so easy. I was just conscious of my 'tendencies' when we were in conducive situations; which was too often! By my last year in high school, having experienced intense loving relationships with females and the expected but superficial fliratiousness with males plus their cold, meaningless sex, I began to recognize how unjust society is in declaring normalcy to mean heterosexuality for all. I resented the double standard which I became aware of gradually through closer examination of my guilt. I concluded, and still believe, that 1) no person has a right or obligation to judge another's morals and behavior; 2) no group of people has a right to force its beliefs on others, penalizing rejection of these values with humiliating and severly demoralizing labels and their consequences; 3) this society does not encourage female people to develop to their greatest potential. After forming these opinions, I was off on a more serious trend of relationships — the real kind. I no longer feel guilty - I'm angry. After sneaking, hiding, lying, running away, awkward encounters with friends and parents I'm convinced I'm not acting more irrationally than they make me act or they are acting themselves. Acceptance I've briefly asked myself what being Gay has in common with the fight for Women's Liberation. At times I've felt that my being a member of WLF may even be hurting the group because some women might hesitate to join if they think that the group is just a bunch of "Man-haters". But I decided that there was a common bond and have equated the two (WLF and being gay) on the basis of respect. As long as I'm a woman, i.e., human being, I deserve a certain amount of respect more or less dependent upon if I'm personally worthy and have earned it. Yet, as soon as I say homosexual, in some eyes I immediately become a low animal if not hated, at least pitied. Therefore, as long as I'm a woman and am being cheated of my right for respect, my plight, even though perhaps in a different form, cannot be separated from all oppression and degradation of all women. This is an example of one of the situations that occur in the life of a homosexual. One weekend there was to be a small reunion with two of my friends, one of whom had known me for years. The other friend couldn't make it that weekend but we two made the best of it, talking over old times like a couple of old biddy gossips. Since my love life really couldn't be talked about as I never told her about my being Gay, I turned the conversation to who she was dating. She was happy to go into great detail, and I was relieved as this took the burden of the conversation off of me. Then she proceeded to tell me about some weirdo who was window peeking in her apartment and another one who was making obscene phone calls, both of which I could understand her being upset about. Through this part of our conversation she used the word "pervert" about 30 times (no exaggeration). Although not once did she use it in relation to homosexuals, each time she said it I cringed. [hand drawing of female] I wondered if she would call me "pervert" if she knew how I felt about women. Finally in the middle of her conversation I stopped her. I said, "Look, I'm going to tell you something, but I want you to remember, while I'm telling you this that I'm the same person you've always known and will afterwards -- I'm homosexual." She never even blinked. She started talking in short, fast bursts. "Oh really?," "I'd have never guessed it." Then I could see a change coming over her face as it started sinking in and she said, "If you lay one hand on me I'll knock you silly." Seeing as I hadn't even moved except for my eyes watching her hands and face, the menacing tone of her voice and the fear in her eyes would have been ludicrous if not for the fact that a minute ago this was a smiling chatty friend of mine. 6 Vol. 1 No. 3 [hand drawn arm] Ain't I
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