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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971
1970-11-20 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 9
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It's like my whole life I've been worried about one quarter of my mind or another. I used to love people in an all consuming, total, ultimate concern, way. It was like having a constant crush; it went right to my stomach. It was incapacitating to a great extent except that I was so disciplined that I could control when I'd let my mind think about the one I loved so I managed to function. I could never understand why I loved the women I loved. Granted, I was at that time a very disciplined, scientific person who would never let my feelings get the better of me. It seemed to me that my love feelings had no rational basis; they would come over me almost immediately upon meeting a person. I was afraid that they stemmed from only the physical being of the person, and this I thought was not a good enough reason for loving. So given that the love I felt was so unreasonable and incapacitating, I was a little dissatisfied with it. At the same time, the people I loved made my life meaningful and gave me energy and I was very happy with it. The best way of expressing what love means to me is this zen telegram: Seeing the smile in your eyes I have forgotten that people die. I've thought alot about the immediate intensity of my feelings about some women because it has bothered me alot. But over the years I've observed that my perceptions of people are hardly ever wrong. Lots of times when I meet a sister for the first time I feel a huge compassion and empathy for her. I think it's because a person's experience and what they've gone through shows in their face and the way they carry themselves. You can see suffering through a woman's eyes. I can't figure out exactly when or why my way of feeling love changed, but I do remember that I had a hard time realizing that I still was able to love--it was just that my way of loving had changed and I couldn't recognize it. It's not very clear cut at all and alot of things that you wouldn't think would have to do with it, had to do with it. Like politics and Women's Liberation. The change in my feelings on love had to do with my conclusions about the format in which I as a person and my love for another could survive and grow. I discovered while relating to a woman in an exclusive one to one relationship, that it inhibited my freedom as a person. The constant tension created in me between what I wanted and needed to be and do and what the format of the relationship allowed me to be and do gradually destroyed our relationship. The time I spent on Women's Liberation was resented, because she was left alone and who could blame her. She started going out with a perfectly nice boy who I was incredibly jealous of and whom I hated. The one to oneness of our relationship made all this fatal. The other thing I discovered later is that Women's Liberation isn't a 8-5 job. It is a process and a way of living and I wanted to live it and not just work at it. I guess some other women must have felt this way because 8 of us formed a women's collective in which we now all live. What I want to do with my life is be a revolutionary and you just can't do that in my opinion within the context of a 1:1 relationship. Either being a revolutionary requires too much time to allow enough time to make the relationship work or as is statistically probably the women you love isn't interested in being a revolutionary too. Anyway, I found myself feeling much more evenly about people--fewer highs and lows--more like a steady good feeling. I was less incapacitated and less hyper. It's probably the disciplined sober part of me which makes me think this particular change is for the better. My feelings were so intense and seemingly based on nothing that I was afraid that they might end just as unreasonably as they began and I would have no control over it. Another thing that may have to do with the change in the way I love is just a theory of mine, but it may be true. (It involves the fact that the change in the way I felt love came just as I was getting into Women's Liberation.) Before I got involved in W.L. my time was more taken up by people I loved. After I got into W.L. my commitments to other people changed because I'd made an ultimate commitment to feminist revolution. This really only governs my time, but time has a way of effecting everything. It didn't affect my love, its intensity or what people mean to me--just the time I could devote to expressing it. To say what I'm committed to do says nothing about what I'd like to do or rather do at any particular moment. It tells me what I must and should do and sometimes that means disciplining my feelings. Since I've written this, it too has been questioned and now I don't know where I am. Two women whose opinions I respect questioned my nice pat intellectual conclusions about 1:1 relationships. They said I sounded bitter. (Now, that in itself is hard for an old polllyanna like me to take. Although, I'm beginning to think optimistic people just hide or channel their bitterness--it makes us less angry, but more able to function.) That I had been hurt and am now running or at least keeping myself from becoming so involved again. I don't know how to handle that, because it contradicts my conception of myself. I thought and thought about it and I don't know how to go about changing my behavior. Yesterday, I finally could not think about it anymore. After a good night's sleep my devastated reaction that the best thing to do would be not relate to anyone anymore is subsiding and the pollyanna in me is taking over again. I've always been amazed at how my body and mind reacted in healthy ways to things. There must have been a good reason why my mind couldn't think about it more. Dwelling on pain is constructive only up to a point and then it destroys you. Knowing this, the cells in my body and mind took the pain away from my consciousness to work on it with the strength of nature. LOVE Being married, I sometimes feel very much alone Because If the nuclear family (read marriage) is something we are determined to do away with as a norm Where does that leave me? If a relationship with a man - for that's what it's all about - has no future And a man is willing to change a role to try and un-role himself What do we do? And yet, I know that at times- I wish I could tell you How sorry I am I'm beginning to realize I hurt you I can only say I hurt you - I'll stop I care about you How can I hurt you? You told me I've loved women differently You told things you had felt and seen I said, I know I know I don't know - I'm sorry Women have struggled together How can I forget? You told your experiences I said I doubt it How could I? I can see your anger - I'm sorry Why can't I trust you? I'm sorry As even now I can't tell you, I'm sorry But then I'm sorry is not even enough A Woman? Nov. 20, 1970 9
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It's like my whole life I've been worried about one quarter of my mind or another. I used to love people in an all consuming, total, ultimate concern, way. It was like having a constant crush; it went right to my stomach. It was incapacitating to a great extent except that I was so disciplined that I could control when I'd let my mind think about the one I loved so I managed to function. I could never understand why I loved the women I loved. Granted, I was at that time a very disciplined, scientific person who would never let my feelings get the better of me. It seemed to me that my love feelings had no rational basis; they would come over me almost immediately upon meeting a person. I was afraid that they stemmed from only the physical being of the person, and this I thought was not a good enough reason for loving. So given that the love I felt was so unreasonable and incapacitating, I was a little dissatisfied with it. At the same time, the people I loved made my life meaningful and gave me energy and I was very happy with it. The best way of expressing what love means to me is this zen telegram: Seeing the smile in your eyes I have forgotten that people die. I've thought alot about the immediate intensity of my feelings about some women because it has bothered me alot. But over the years I've observed that my perceptions of people are hardly ever wrong. Lots of times when I meet a sister for the first time I feel a huge compassion and empathy for her. I think it's because a person's experience and what they've gone through shows in their face and the way they carry themselves. You can see suffering through a woman's eyes. I can't figure out exactly when or why my way of feeling love changed, but I do remember that I had a hard time realizing that I still was able to love--it was just that my way of loving had changed and I couldn't recognize it. It's not very clear cut at all and alot of things that you wouldn't think would have to do with it, had to do with it. Like politics and Women's Liberation. The change in my feelings on love had to do with my conclusions about the format in which I as a person and my love for another could survive and grow. I discovered while relating to a woman in an exclusive one to one relationship, that it inhibited my freedom as a person. The constant tension created in me between what I wanted and needed to be and do and what the format of the relationship allowed me to be and do gradually destroyed our relationship. The time I spent on Women's Liberation was resented, because she was left alone and who could blame her. She started going out with a perfectly nice boy who I was incredibly jealous of and whom I hated. The one to oneness of our relationship made all this fatal. The other thing I discovered later is that Women's Liberation isn't a 8-5 job. It is a process and a way of living and I wanted to live it and not just work at it. I guess some other women must have felt this way because 8 of us formed a women's collective in which we now all live. What I want to do with my life is be a revolutionary and you just can't do that in my opinion within the context of a 1:1 relationship. Either being a revolutionary requires too much time to allow enough time to make the relationship work or as is statistically probably the women you love isn't interested in being a revolutionary too. Anyway, I found myself feeling much more evenly about people--fewer highs and lows--more like a steady good feeling. I was less incapacitated and less hyper. It's probably the disciplined sober part of me which makes me think this particular change is for the better. My feelings were so intense and seemingly based on nothing that I was afraid that they might end just as unreasonably as they began and I would have no control over it. Another thing that may have to do with the change in the way I love is just a theory of mine, but it may be true. (It involves the fact that the change in the way I felt love came just as I was getting into Women's Liberation.) Before I got involved in W.L. my time was more taken up by people I loved. After I got into W.L. my commitments to other people changed because I'd made an ultimate commitment to feminist revolution. This really only governs my time, but time has a way of effecting everything. It didn't affect my love, its intensity or what people mean to me--just the time I could devote to expressing it. To say what I'm committed to do says nothing about what I'd like to do or rather do at any particular moment. It tells me what I must and should do and sometimes that means disciplining my feelings. Since I've written this, it too has been questioned and now I don't know where I am. Two women whose opinions I respect questioned my nice pat intellectual conclusions about 1:1 relationships. They said I sounded bitter. (Now, that in itself is hard for an old polllyanna like me to take. Although, I'm beginning to think optimistic people just hide or channel their bitterness--it makes us less angry, but more able to function.) That I had been hurt and am now running or at least keeping myself from becoming so involved again. I don't know how to handle that, because it contradicts my conception of myself. I thought and thought about it and I don't know how to go about changing my behavior. Yesterday, I finally could not think about it anymore. After a good night's sleep my devastated reaction that the best thing to do would be not relate to anyone anymore is subsiding and the pollyanna in me is taking over again. I've always been amazed at how my body and mind reacted in healthy ways to things. There must have been a good reason why my mind couldn't think about it more. Dwelling on pain is constructive only up to a point and then it destroys you. Knowing this, the cells in my body and mind took the pain away from my consciousness to work on it with the strength of nature. LOVE Being married, I sometimes feel very much alone Because If the nuclear family (read marriage) is something we are determined to do away with as a norm Where does that leave me? If a relationship with a man - for that's what it's all about - has no future And a man is willing to change a role to try and un-role himself What do we do? And yet, I know that at times- I wish I could tell you How sorry I am I'm beginning to realize I hurt you I can only say I hurt you - I'll stop I care about you How can I hurt you? You told me I've loved women differently You told things you had felt and seen I said, I know I know I don't know - I'm sorry Women have struggled together How can I forget? You told your experiences I said I doubt it How could I? I can see your anger - I'm sorry Why can't I trust you? I'm sorry As even now I can't tell you, I'm sorry But then I'm sorry is not even enough A Woman? Nov. 20, 1970 9
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