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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971

1971-04-02 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 7

NG WOMEN

[hand drawing of woman with flowers]

How do you feel when your best friend
eals her homosexuality to you? My first 
ught was "At last it's out. What a 
ief," both for we'd been waltzing around the 
ic, both in some discomfort, for six
ths or more.
My second thought was to set Carrie's
d at ease because I knew how difficult
s was for her to tell me. (The setting
this conversation foretold the priblems
would have later on: we were in my
m, lying on separate beds, facing away
m each other.) Anyway, I said, "Carrie, 
re's nothing in the world you could do 
t would make me stop loving you," Which
not exactly dealing with her homosexual 
(And since when does the love you 
e for friends depend on what they do,
God's sake?) So, one confromtation
ided; that confrontation being one with 
elf. What is homosexuality? How do I 
l about it? How will it affect our
ationship? How do I react to it? We
n't talk about any of this. I was
aid to
We didn't see each other after that be
se Carried went back to Iowa, but during 
t summer we decided to room together in
dorm the next semester. This didn't 
her me for a number of reasons: I had
er felt physically threatened by Carrie, 
new she wasn't involved with anyone at 
time, in my usual naive way  I expected
graduate in February and, most impor
t, I loved and trusted her 
In other words, I expected to spend a 
e, quiet semester living with my best 
end who just happened to relate physi
ly to women. What's the big deal?
The big deal was that the first month 
school she fell in love with Alice and 
whole world just fell in. I was apallled,  I was shocked, I was disgusted. Of course I didn't verbalize these feelings. I just got quieter and quieter, bitchier and bitchier, until I didn't really care whether we were friends or not. I was actually thinking things like "She just seduced this innocent younger woman, took advantage of her." These were the kind of thoughts I was having about someone I loved and trusted deeply. 
By mutual consent we decided that if any of our friendship was to be salvaged,
we had to get away from each other. (Actually, I had to get away from her. She was getting along fine; I had the problems.)
She moved out of our room and into a room with Alice on the floor below me. If this had been any other friend but Carrie I would have said "So long and farewell, You're not worth the pain I'm in." But I loved her and wanted and needed her friendship and so we continued to see each other.
Our separating was a good idea because it gave me a chance to get used to a new world without feeling pressured by time and space. I began to see the rightness and healthiness of their relationship and the other Lesbian relationships I was allowed to see. I felt comfortable enough, eventually, to be able to examine my initial reactions and face the threats I so strongly felt. 
So let me deal with those threats now, three years later. Understand that I'm as honest as I'll allow myself to be and no more, and that I'm only able to put pen to paper because of you. I'm afraid but I'm not as afraid as I used to be. 
I was threatened because Lesbianism was a totally new concept, or at least the things I knew about it society had taught me; hence my initial revulsion, disgust, Society is not a good teacher. So I went to the library. (Yes, I really did.) The books used words like "sickness"and "unnatural" NO help there. (political lesson #1: Books reflect the society and its sickness.)
Another reason I was threatened was that I was jealous. Right. I was afraid of losing someone dear to me. She seemed always to be in her room making love and I seemed always to be standing outside her door wondering whether to knock or not. 
But the most threatening thing about Carrie's Lesbianism was how it reflected on me and my sexual orientation. Am I a Lesbian? The point is that I thought there was an answer to this question and I cared what it was. I didn't want the answer to be "yes".
Today, three years later, I don't think the answer matters to me personally. Politically I have selected men out of my life, almost without my being aware of it. I always enjoyed sex with men but since I don't know many men anymore and since I've come to realize that there is really no such thing as an "apolitical fuck"  (credit for this concept duly given to the first Women's Liberation conference I attended last year) there are very few men on my list of people to whom I go for love and support. So be it. This list is heavy with women - - straight women, married women, Lesbians, women. Non-threatening, non-judging, supportive women. So that's how I came from that empty place to this incredibly crowded one -- crowded and noisy and nearly bursting with love for all of you. Oh, there are tears, and sadness, and doubt and loneliness. All of this, and more. But I have the keys now. Time, love, and you. 

a Woman? Vol.1 No. 14 Page Seven

Saving...

NG WOMEN [hand drawing of woman with flowers] How do you feel when your best friend eals her homosexuality to you? My first ught was "At last it's out. What a ief," both for we'd been waltzing around the ic, both in some discomfort, for six ths or more. My second thought was to set Carrie's d at ease because I knew how difficult s was for her to tell me. (The setting this conversation foretold the priblems would have later on: we were in my m, lying on separate beds, facing away m each other.) Anyway, I said, "Carrie, re's nothing in the world you could do t would make me stop loving you," Which not exactly dealing with her homosexual (And since when does the love you e for friends depend on what they do, God's sake?) So, one confromtation ided; that confrontation being one with elf. What is homosexuality? How do I l about it? How will it affect our ationship? How do I react to it? We n't talk about any of this. I was aid to We didn't see each other after that be se Carried went back to Iowa, but during t summer we decided to room together in dorm the next semester. This didn't her me for a number of reasons: I had er felt physically threatened by Carrie, new she wasn't involved with anyone at time, in my usual naive way I expected graduate in February and, most impor t, I loved and trusted her In other words, I expected to spend a e, quiet semester living with my best end who just happened to relate physi ly to women. What's the big deal? The big deal was that the first month school she fell in love with Alice and whole world just fell in. I was apallled, I was shocked, I was disgusted. Of course I didn't verbalize these feelings. I just got quieter and quieter, bitchier and bitchier, until I didn't really care whether we were friends or not. I was actually thinking things like "She just seduced this innocent younger woman, took advantage of her." These were the kind of thoughts I was having about someone I loved and trusted deeply. By mutual consent we decided that if any of our friendship was to be salvaged, we had to get away from each other. (Actually, I had to get away from her. She was getting along fine; I had the problems.) She moved out of our room and into a room with Alice on the floor below me. If this had been any other friend but Carrie I would have said "So long and farewell, You're not worth the pain I'm in." But I loved her and wanted and needed her friendship and so we continued to see each other. Our separating was a good idea because it gave me a chance to get used to a new world without feeling pressured by time and space. I began to see the rightness and healthiness of their relationship and the other Lesbian relationships I was allowed to see. I felt comfortable enough, eventually, to be able to examine my initial reactions and face the threats I so strongly felt. So let me deal with those threats now, three years later. Understand that I'm as honest as I'll allow myself to be and no more, and that I'm only able to put pen to paper because of you. I'm afraid but I'm not as afraid as I used to be. I was threatened because Lesbianism was a totally new concept, or at least the things I knew about it society had taught me; hence my initial revulsion, disgust, Society is not a good teacher. So I went to the library. (Yes, I really did.) The books used words like "sickness"and "unnatural" NO help there. (political lesson #1: Books reflect the society and its sickness.) Another reason I was threatened was that I was jealous. Right. I was afraid of losing someone dear to me. She seemed always to be in her room making love and I seemed always to be standing outside her door wondering whether to knock or not. But the most threatening thing about Carrie's Lesbianism was how it reflected on me and my sexual orientation. Am I a Lesbian? The point is that I thought there was an answer to this question and I cared what it was. I didn't want the answer to be "yes". Today, three years later, I don't think the answer matters to me personally. Politically I have selected men out of my life, almost without my being aware of it. I always enjoyed sex with men but since I don't know many men anymore and since I've come to realize that there is really no such thing as an "apolitical fuck" (credit for this concept duly given to the first Women's Liberation conference I attended last year) there are very few men on my list of people to whom I go for love and support. So be it. This list is heavy with women - - straight women, married women, Lesbians, women. Non-threatening, non-judging, supportive women. So that's how I came from that empty place to this incredibly crowded one -- crowded and noisy and nearly bursting with love for all of you. Oh, there are tears, and sadness, and doubt and loneliness. All of this, and more. But I have the keys now. Time, love, and you. a Woman? Vol.1 No. 14 Page Seven