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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971

1971-07-02 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 3

Starting to think about Class
   I can't explain it all, even to myself - the whys and how - the rationale of why the women's movement must rid itself of its class bias. It is all so difficult that were it just thoughtful on my part, I would forget it until I could spell it out - be sure of my reason - feel more correct. But there is nothing thoughtful about this feeling of necessity. Wanting to deal with class is necessary for my survival. I cannot think that "we're all sisters" will necessarily include me (working class). Recently I feel afraid of the women's movement, afraid of women I know  - a fear that women who are not involved in the movement must feel. But I am involved and sometimes I'm scared. Enemy lines get crossed. I'm afraid of my own side. And when pushed against sisters, I start seeing things totally in class terms. I start defining a class war and lose sight of any feminine consciousness I have. It's a dichotomy I know is not real but appears because we have not dealt with class in any but a superficial way. Somehow that dichotomy for me has to be broken and the class differences among us have to be dealt with, struggled with, so that our oneness is real, not just the result of ignoring the parts that don't fit.
   I understand how easy it has been to ignore those parts. When I do point out how something said or done is offensive to me, I realize that even middle class women who do not react antagonistically or guilt ridden had no idea they were being offensive. Something I feel in my guts they have never thought about- been aware of. It is so difficult to explain to women who have had middle class backgrounds - to put things in to a perspective that they can understand. You find that by putting things in an order that can be understood in middle class terms that the meaning is changed. You're not explaining what you originally felt. My class feelings can't be explained in your class terms. I understand that now but for a long time I believed it when people (always middle class) would say middle class people are more articulate. If they were really liberal (and thought they were radical) they would say middle class people have been given the opportunities to develop skills in articulating. Now I see that for the subtle classist statement it is. Working class women make sense to me; middle class women just don't understand what they are saying.  It's not that I'm inarticulate. It's that you don't understand. To talk about class to me is like spitting words and reactions out - like wretching all the feelings I can't explain yet. To get it out first so maybe I can see what it is that we have to explain. Yet I am always afraid to say anything when someone is offensive or antagonistic about class because everyone (including myself) thinks I'm the one to always bring up class - put people up against the wall about it. But I only bring it up when I feel really offended by something someone has said or done that is classist. So why is it assumed that I brought it up. If someone is offensive to working class women, it seems they have brought it up.
   The first thing that surfaced for me that came close to a class consciousness was my reactions to some middle class things and of course with gut reactions you run a high risk of being wrong. You react negatively to something and are pushed to give some reason for your reaction. There are so many things that I know I at one time dismissed as reactionary in my parents and people in my background. And of course I learned quickly in my identification with the middle class that the working class is reactionary. The explanations they gave for their dislike of art, high culture, hippy life styles were pretty bad but maybe the basis of their hatred was something more right on than their explanations. I always react negatively to women becoming professionals or the whole drive to support women artists, lawyers, etc. But any way I try to explain that to people can be discredited right away. Once when we got into a fight about that subject, I ended up saying something like "If that's what the women's movement is all about (supporting women to become lawyers and artists) then there is no place for me". I just sounded jealous. And there is always the "I'm too damaged by my background" theory - that I should support middle class life in that name of all women since they have been less damaged and are capable of accomplishment. The middle class can only see that we don't have what they have and that that is unfair. But within those reactionary ideas we come up with are the seeds of deeper thought - like questioning if anyone should have the things they have. Middle class women miss the point: that we're attempting to question their whole existence. It's not just that I'm jealous because I can't be part of that scene, it's that that scene is decadent - wrong. 
   I know most middle class women will react to this as if I am talking about material possessions - the idea that middle class values are valuing material things. They are totally blind thinking they have a monopoly of valuing things. I value money and material possessions more than most of my middle class friends - I have had to and that seems sensible to me - closer to truth - closer to what really matters to people - food, shelter, self respect. But I have a hard time valuing all their valuable ideas, their universities, their liberal, humanitarian, gracious-living bullshit.
   In so much WL literature we talk about looking around and seeing the absence of women in so many fields and then proceed to talk about there being no women lawyers, artists, doctors. We looked around and all we saw was the middle class, every thing else is invisible to the middle class except "the ruling class" or "the poor" which are phrases easily used and dismissed in usual leftist rhetoric. When I was younger and I looked around I didn't see any of those professions period. And if I did they weren't from my class of people. 
   The only way I saw of getting out of marrying and having kids -of being self sufficient or independent was getting out of my class. There were middle class female examples supporting themselves. There were no status female jobs that I could see when I was growing up. All the jobs the men did - the men did - no exceptional women. I heard of some women - someone's older daughter - becoming a teacher or going to art school. They never lived around me and hardly ever came home. My mother would say they were high falutin'. But within my class (whatever that means - I realize the variations of experience - mine can't be seen as typical of all working class backgrounds) the women who did work were few. My parents' friends were all married couples. I didn't know any older single women. Anyway why did I see the only way of being independent as being something middle class - some profession. I don't think I saw the possibility of supporting myself there without a man. And I wonder why we still don't talk about filling the lower class jobs but just the middle. Most jobs in this society stink but why do we think those of the middle class are better, tolerable, functional. Is there any basis for that assumption other than most of us  are middle class and have obvious class bias against anything outside of that class. That most middle class women still think middle class, still accept those bourgeois values, still believe you have to do something for high reasons - to help other people, explore realms of thought, still look down on doing a job just for the money - to support yourself, still think being a professional is being functional but being an office worker is not. Anyway I choose to try and become middle class, but the only movies, books or real life class climbing, success story heroes were working class men so I totally identified with that image. Class climbing I discovered is a fallacy, and learned, too, how ambitious men are held down by having to support the women they knocked up. Women were a horrible burden to all my heroes. So I couldn't stand the female role int he working class family and I was a total flop anyway. I couldn't do the male thing in my class, and I didn't succeed in class climbing. Soon the belief set in "I couldn't do anything." I was absolutely awful at anything that females were supposed to do and I didn't dig men. That's something I still can't get a handle on - just how that shaped my life. I didn't get married until I was convinced that I couldn't get anywhere (meaning to the middle class) on my own and also after my best friend who I loved married a nice boy who could support her and was moving up money wise. And when I married a long haired art student son of an immigrant truck driver, I thought we could class climb together. Dead end. He hated middle class people and wasn't interested.
   It took me along time to not think there was something wrong with me since I could never really fit into the middle-class  - university thing. I never could see that working class people don't fit in - that that's the way things are structured. Even if I saw that, I couldn't accept being working class (that meant all bad things to me). I had to keep believing I was an exception. One time one of my friends in high school told me that I was really lucky cause no matter what kind of clothes I wore I looked well bred. I treasured that compliment for years. It got me through countless parties where people knew just how to act and through an endless number of discussions I couldn't understand. 
   Now after such a long time of self denial I am starting to think about class. I'm starting to realize that disagreements I have with women over strategies and anaylsis aren't merely because I don't understand or I think things out more or less than they. I am beginning to see in many issues the class nature of the argument - to see how clearly I take the sides I do and middle class women take the sides they do. I am realizing that even though I think of myself as always relating to middle class women and being in middle class circles how all my close friends, the women I really get close to and love are working or lower class. I am beginning to see that it is no coincidence that I feel comfortable and can be honest with them. Most importantly I am beginning to realize that I am working class, that I'll always be working class - that that means something - something other than being embarrassed; that my needs are important; that I have a right to make demands of middle class women and that in a scale of oppression the oppressed always are made to feel damaged in comparison to those who oppress and that that is wrong. That I know gay women are beautiful and strong through their oppression, not more damaged than straight women - that working class women only seem damaged to middle class women. That we must struggle with class as women - grope to understand how it has affected us. And realize that we are affected by it - that being all oppressed as women does not mean we do not oppress each other or that our anaylsis is not affected by the class bias and racist values most of us have brought with us to the movement. 

a Woman?   July 2, 1971   3.

Saving...

Starting to think about Class I can't explain it all, even to myself - the whys and how - the rationale of why the women's movement must rid itself of its class bias. It is all so difficult that were it just thoughtful on my part, I would forget it until I could spell it out - be sure of my reason - feel more correct. But there is nothing thoughtful about this feeling of necessity. Wanting to deal with class is necessary for my survival. I cannot think that "we're all sisters" will necessarily include me (working class). Recently I feel afraid of the women's movement, afraid of women I know - a fear that women who are not involved in the movement must feel. But I am involved and sometimes I'm scared. Enemy lines get crossed. I'm afraid of my own side. And when pushed against sisters, I start seeing things totally in class terms. I start defining a class war and lose sight of any feminine consciousness I have. It's a dichotomy I know is not real but appears because we have not dealt with class in any but a superficial way. Somehow that dichotomy for me has to be broken and the class differences among us have to be dealt with, struggled with, so that our oneness is real, not just the result of ignoring the parts that don't fit. I understand how easy it has been to ignore those parts. When I do point out how something said or done is offensive to me, I realize that even middle class women who do not react antagonistically or guilt ridden had no idea they were being offensive. Something I feel in my guts they have never thought about- been aware of. It is so difficult to explain to women who have had middle class backgrounds - to put things in to a perspective that they can understand. You find that by putting things in an order that can be understood in middle class terms that the meaning is changed. You're not explaining what you originally felt. My class feelings can't be explained in your class terms. I understand that now but for a long time I believed it when people (always middle class) would say middle class people are more articulate. If they were really liberal (and thought they were radical) they would say middle class people have been given the opportunities to develop skills in articulating. Now I see that for the subtle classist statement it is. Working class women make sense to me; middle class women just don't understand what they are saying. It's not that I'm inarticulate. It's that you don't understand. To talk about class to me is like spitting words and reactions out - like wretching all the feelings I can't explain yet. To get it out first so maybe I can see what it is that we have to explain. Yet I am always afraid to say anything when someone is offensive or antagonistic about class because everyone (including myself) thinks I'm the one to always bring up class - put people up against the wall about it. But I only bring it up when I feel really offended by something someone has said or done that is classist. So why is it assumed that I brought it up. If someone is offensive to working class women, it seems they have brought it up. The first thing that surfaced for me that came close to a class consciousness was my reactions to some middle class things and of course with gut reactions you run a high risk of being wrong. You react negatively to something and are pushed to give some reason for your reaction. There are so many things that I know I at one time dismissed as reactionary in my parents and people in my background. And of course I learned quickly in my identification with the middle class that the working class is reactionary. The explanations they gave for their dislike of art, high culture, hippy life styles were pretty bad but maybe the basis of their hatred was something more right on than their explanations. I always react negatively to women becoming professionals or the whole drive to support women artists, lawyers, etc. But any way I try to explain that to people can be discredited right away. Once when we got into a fight about that subject, I ended up saying something like "If that's what the women's movement is all about (supporting women to become lawyers and artists) then there is no place for me". I just sounded jealous. And there is always the "I'm too damaged by my background" theory - that I should support middle class life in that name of all women since they have been less damaged and are capable of accomplishment. The middle class can only see that we don't have what they have and that that is unfair. But within those reactionary ideas we come up with are the seeds of deeper thought - like questioning if anyone should have the things they have. Middle class women miss the point: that we're attempting to question their whole existence. It's not just that I'm jealous because I can't be part of that scene, it's that that scene is decadent - wrong. I know most middle class women will react to this as if I am talking about material possessions - the idea that middle class values are valuing material things. They are totally blind thinking they have a monopoly of valuing things. I value money and material possessions more than most of my middle class friends - I have had to and that seems sensible to me - closer to truth - closer to what really matters to people - food, shelter, self respect. But I have a hard time valuing all their valuable ideas, their universities, their liberal, humanitarian, gracious-living bullshit. In so much WL literature we talk about looking around and seeing the absence of women in so many fields and then proceed to talk about there being no women lawyers, artists, doctors. We looked around and all we saw was the middle class, every thing else is invisible to the middle class except "the ruling class" or "the poor" which are phrases easily used and dismissed in usual leftist rhetoric. When I was younger and I looked around I didn't see any of those professions period. And if I did they weren't from my class of people. The only way I saw of getting out of marrying and having kids -of being self sufficient or independent was getting out of my class. There were middle class female examples supporting themselves. There were no status female jobs that I could see when I was growing up. All the jobs the men did - the men did - no exceptional women. I heard of some women - someone's older daughter - becoming a teacher or going to art school. They never lived around me and hardly ever came home. My mother would say they were high falutin'. But within my class (whatever that means - I realize the variations of experience - mine can't be seen as typical of all working class backgrounds) the women who did work were few. My parents' friends were all married couples. I didn't know any older single women. Anyway why did I see the only way of being independent as being something middle class - some profession. I don't think I saw the possibility of supporting myself there without a man. And I wonder why we still don't talk about filling the lower class jobs but just the middle. Most jobs in this society stink but why do we think those of the middle class are better, tolerable, functional. Is there any basis for that assumption other than most of us are middle class and have obvious class bias against anything outside of that class. That most middle class women still think middle class, still accept those bourgeois values, still believe you have to do something for high reasons - to help other people, explore realms of thought, still look down on doing a job just for the money - to support yourself, still think being a professional is being functional but being an office worker is not. Anyway I choose to try and become middle class, but the only movies, books or real life class climbing, success story heroes were working class men so I totally identified with that image. Class climbing I discovered is a fallacy, and learned, too, how ambitious men are held down by having to support the women they knocked up. Women were a horrible burden to all my heroes. So I couldn't stand the female role int he working class family and I was a total flop anyway. I couldn't do the male thing in my class, and I didn't succeed in class climbing. Soon the belief set in "I couldn't do anything." I was absolutely awful at anything that females were supposed to do and I didn't dig men. That's something I still can't get a handle on - just how that shaped my life. I didn't get married until I was convinced that I couldn't get anywhere (meaning to the middle class) on my own and also after my best friend who I loved married a nice boy who could support her and was moving up money wise. And when I married a long haired art student son of an immigrant truck driver, I thought we could class climb together. Dead end. He hated middle class people and wasn't interested. It took me along time to not think there was something wrong with me since I could never really fit into the middle-class - university thing. I never could see that working class people don't fit in - that that's the way things are structured. Even if I saw that, I couldn't accept being working class (that meant all bad things to me). I had to keep believing I was an exception. One time one of my friends in high school told me that I was really lucky cause no matter what kind of clothes I wore I looked well bred. I treasured that compliment for years. It got me through countless parties where people knew just how to act and through an endless number of discussions I couldn't understand. Now after such a long time of self denial I am starting to think about class. I'm starting to realize that disagreements I have with women over strategies and anaylsis aren't merely because I don't understand or I think things out more or less than they. I am beginning to see in many issues the class nature of the argument - to see how clearly I take the sides I do and middle class women take the sides they do. I am realizing that even though I think of myself as always relating to middle class women and being in middle class circles how all my close friends, the women I really get close to and love are working or lower class. I am beginning to see that it is no coincidence that I feel comfortable and can be honest with them. Most importantly I am beginning to realize that I am working class, that I'll always be working class - that that means something - something other than being embarrassed; that my needs are important; that I have a right to make demands of middle class women and that in a scale of oppression the oppressed always are made to feel damaged in comparison to those who oppress and that that is wrong. That I know gay women are beautiful and strong through their oppression, not more damaged than straight women - that working class women only seem damaged to middle class women. That we must struggle with class as women - grope to understand how it has affected us. And realize that we are affected by it - that being all oppressed as women does not mean we do not oppress each other or that our anaylsis is not affected by the class bias and racist values most of us have brought with us to the movement. a Woman? July 2, 1971 3.