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Ain't I A Woman? newspapers, June 1970-July 1971

1971-07-02 "Ain't I a Woman?" Page 5

who wouldn't have fit into that, like we were all "gauche". She just quite relating to me. I wasn't cool. 
I couldn't understand it, i didn't want to and she just didn't care. I had never felt so totally rejected and desperate. Nothing i could say or do would affect her; but nothing she did or said would make me stop thinking about her. 

Somehow, i didn't want to do what she was doing. I didn't get that encouragement from those two men--i didn't fit the image and by that time i hated them and thought they were full of shit. In the next two years i had classes from them and they didn't dig me either. I keep thinking now that i generalized that hatred into a distrust of gay men, and a stereotype of gay male culture as hypo-critical, emotionally base, and elitist. And there's this class feeling about people who are on the way up, or are up, can't be trusted with my feelings. Or anything that could be sacrificed to their "cause".
   The feelings i had for Elaine and that relationship stayed with me a long time. I fantasized a lot and i had crushes on other girls in high school. I felt i had been wronged, i was suffering from injustice. I guess if i'd been in a position like you, Carrie, that i'd have gone to a shrink or at least read a psych book and gotten all freaked out that i was a lesbian and blamed my pain on myself. But i wasn't aware of lesbianism, i didn't know any gay women; i didn't know till years later that my feelings had a name, fit a category--i thought i was very different from most women i knew and i just felt real isolated, 'cause i knew i couldn't talk to anyone about the feelings i really wanted to express, love for these women which included sexual feelings. 

There is nothing I can say to add to your story about Elaine. It speaks for itself. However, it bothered me the way you talked of Elaine and her two gay male teachers. You seemed to juxtapose too closely that they were gay and therefore didn't care to fuck her with the fact that they fucked her mind because they convinced her to reject her working-class origins and aspire to middle-call middle-class. What I mean is that the reason they mind-fucked Elaine wasn't because they were gay but because they were doing what they were supposed to do--teaching middle-class values. I guess I just thought you were too hard on them in view of what I've come to know of your struggle to regain an identification with your working-class background. From our discussions I've learned that all the women in AIAW that come from working-class backgrounds were fed middle-class values for a time and had to struggle earnestly to regain a consciousness of themselves as working-class. 
   I think we should be careful in judging oppressed people and always take into consideration necessity. Alot of the women in the gay cell have to pass for straight or they'll lose their jobs and alot more women in Iowa City that we don't even know sit at home alone or with one other women and despise in themselves their way of life. But see, I'm safe saying all this because I have never been in a situation like you were in with those two working-class teachers, where you all three were of similar experience and yet instead of there being a kinship between you there was competition, denial and hatred. You were a threat to them because you reminded them of what they had been so they treated you badly. Your anger at them I can really understand--they had power over you. I've ever been in such a situation with a gay woman who was using her power to make sure I didn't become a thread to her hard earned position. If such a situation did happen, I probably wouldn't hate her for being gay, but for her class privilege or her power. I wonder if you did the same thing? You mentioned that from your experience with these two gay, male, working-class teachers you gained a distrust of gay men and a prejudiced stereotype of gay male culture. Why didn't you distrust them for being working-class and why do I feel I wouldn't come to hate a gay woman with power over me because of her gayness? Maybe we can't because our identification with the common experience between us is too strong and would mean we would have to hate that experience in ourselves also. Maybe the hatred and anger that must come for preservation of self-esteem has to be grounded elsewhere. 

On Monday of the week we were to put out the paper, we read our dialogue for the collective. A good discussion followed and I learned some important things which I want to include as self-criticism. 
   We talked about my being so obsessed with happiness. I should have further explained that the reason I day dreamed so heavily about situations in which I would have to have been fighting for my life where group necessity might take precedence over individuals putting a lot of energy into creating the best possible life for them, was because I was having such trouble reconciling the kind of life I felt within me and the life I knew my society felt was the best for my happiness. 
   The sisters from the working class pointed out that I was romanticizing the working class life. The hard-working working class people who barely have any free time and are merely happy to get it is a middle class myth. Working class people are concerned with the quality of their lives and intricacies of happiness. 

[hand drawn head]

   I didn't feel i had anything in common with those men then-- i didn't identify as working class, i thought i was middle class. Middle class meant everybody. I was told i was in a similar position to everyone i knew, but that i would have to make a great individual effort to find opportunities. I didn't really consider what i'd do if i didn't go to school. Instead of class differences, the divisions our teachers and parents set up were between those who wanted to go to college and those who didn't want to or didn't care (the ones who didn't care had to be middle class; the rest were mostly working class). Antagonisms between these two groups were encouraged by the authorities. 
   The girls who were college prep weren't supposed to have a very involving social life except as it related to "bettering" themselves. Strong personal relationships were ok for the girls who were going to work after high school, going out in the "real world". But we "intellectuals" were supposed to think of more academic things and study alot and become "leaders" and relate more to our teachers. Toward the end of high school it seemed like my personal relationships, that kind of need, were heavier than they were supposed to be. Like, i shouldn't get all hung up about loving people because that wasn't going to be important; i should devote my energies to study and self-reliance. So, how could i waste my time trying to rap with my closest friend about homosexual feelings? I just felt more&more isolated and different and wanting to leave & find people who were like me. But when i went to college the pressure was different--but i tried to go straight and middle class for a long time. 
   The idea keeps going through my head that being middle class made it more possible for you to act on your emotions and make love with a woman while i was much too scared to let myself act. But now i just got an insight on that: i kept falling in love with women who i didn't feel an equality with--i felt like they were above me. 

I have to criticize my analysis for being homosexist about those teachers. My awareness of homosexism is not together because that hasn't been a heavy identification for me-- i was into a women's consciousness before i came out & then i identified as a lesbian, but i still don't feel much solidarity with gay men and i know i've been unfair to gay men i've known. The class conscious of my working class values and breaking out of that self-effacing, timid response to class antagonism, i can get pretty arrogant and respond to what i see as middle class jive in an also reactionary way.

A Woman?    July 2, 1971     Page 5

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who wouldn't have fit into that, like we were all "gauche". She just quite relating to me. I wasn't cool. I couldn't understand it, i didn't want to and she just didn't care. I had never felt so totally rejected and desperate. Nothing i could say or do would affect her; but nothing she did or said would make me stop thinking about her. Somehow, i didn't want to do what she was doing. I didn't get that encouragement from those two men--i didn't fit the image and by that time i hated them and thought they were full of shit. In the next two years i had classes from them and they didn't dig me either. I keep thinking now that i generalized that hatred into a distrust of gay men, and a stereotype of gay male culture as hypo-critical, emotionally base, and elitist. And there's this class feeling about people who are on the way up, or are up, can't be trusted with my feelings. Or anything that could be sacrificed to their "cause". The feelings i had for Elaine and that relationship stayed with me a long time. I fantasized a lot and i had crushes on other girls in high school. I felt i had been wronged, i was suffering from injustice. I guess if i'd been in a position like you, Carrie, that i'd have gone to a shrink or at least read a psych book and gotten all freaked out that i was a lesbian and blamed my pain on myself. But i wasn't aware of lesbianism, i didn't know any gay women; i didn't know till years later that my feelings had a name, fit a category--i thought i was very different from most women i knew and i just felt real isolated, 'cause i knew i couldn't talk to anyone about the feelings i really wanted to express, love for these women which included sexual feelings. There is nothing I can say to add to your story about Elaine. It speaks for itself. However, it bothered me the way you talked of Elaine and her two gay male teachers. You seemed to juxtapose too closely that they were gay and therefore didn't care to fuck her with the fact that they fucked her mind because they convinced her to reject her working-class origins and aspire to middle-call middle-class. What I mean is that the reason they mind-fucked Elaine wasn't because they were gay but because they were doing what they were supposed to do--teaching middle-class values. I guess I just thought you were too hard on them in view of what I've come to know of your struggle to regain an identification with your working-class background. From our discussions I've learned that all the women in AIAW that come from working-class backgrounds were fed middle-class values for a time and had to struggle earnestly to regain a consciousness of themselves as working-class. I think we should be careful in judging oppressed people and always take into consideration necessity. Alot of the women in the gay cell have to pass for straight or they'll lose their jobs and alot more women in Iowa City that we don't even know sit at home alone or with one other women and despise in themselves their way of life. But see, I'm safe saying all this because I have never been in a situation like you were in with those two working-class teachers, where you all three were of similar experience and yet instead of there being a kinship between you there was competition, denial and hatred. You were a threat to them because you reminded them of what they had been so they treated you badly. Your anger at them I can really understand--they had power over you. I've ever been in such a situation with a gay woman who was using her power to make sure I didn't become a thread to her hard earned position. If such a situation did happen, I probably wouldn't hate her for being gay, but for her class privilege or her power. I wonder if you did the same thing? You mentioned that from your experience with these two gay, male, working-class teachers you gained a distrust of gay men and a prejudiced stereotype of gay male culture. Why didn't you distrust them for being working-class and why do I feel I wouldn't come to hate a gay woman with power over me because of her gayness? Maybe we can't because our identification with the common experience between us is too strong and would mean we would have to hate that experience in ourselves also. Maybe the hatred and anger that must come for preservation of self-esteem has to be grounded elsewhere. On Monday of the week we were to put out the paper, we read our dialogue for the collective. A good discussion followed and I learned some important things which I want to include as self-criticism. We talked about my being so obsessed with happiness. I should have further explained that the reason I day dreamed so heavily about situations in which I would have to have been fighting for my life where group necessity might take precedence over individuals putting a lot of energy into creating the best possible life for them, was because I was having such trouble reconciling the kind of life I felt within me and the life I knew my society felt was the best for my happiness. The sisters from the working class pointed out that I was romanticizing the working class life. The hard-working working class people who barely have any free time and are merely happy to get it is a middle class myth. Working class people are concerned with the quality of their lives and intricacies of happiness. [hand drawn head] I didn't feel i had anything in common with those men then-- i didn't identify as working class, i thought i was middle class. Middle class meant everybody. I was told i was in a similar position to everyone i knew, but that i would have to make a great individual effort to find opportunities. I didn't really consider what i'd do if i didn't go to school. Instead of class differences, the divisions our teachers and parents set up were between those who wanted to go to college and those who didn't want to or didn't care (the ones who didn't care had to be middle class; the rest were mostly working class). Antagonisms between these two groups were encouraged by the authorities. The girls who were college prep weren't supposed to have a very involving social life except as it related to "bettering" themselves. Strong personal relationships were ok for the girls who were going to work after high school, going out in the "real world". But we "intellectuals" were supposed to think of more academic things and study alot and become "leaders" and relate more to our teachers. Toward the end of high school it seemed like my personal relationships, that kind of need, were heavier than they were supposed to be. Like, i shouldn't get all hung up about loving people because that wasn't going to be important; i should devote my energies to study and self-reliance. So, how could i waste my time trying to rap with my closest friend about homosexual feelings? I just felt more&more isolated and different and wanting to leave & find people who were like me. But when i went to college the pressure was different--but i tried to go straight and middle class for a long time. The idea keeps going through my head that being middle class made it more possible for you to act on your emotions and make love with a woman while i was much too scared to let myself act. But now i just got an insight on that: i kept falling in love with women who i didn't feel an equality with--i felt like they were above me. I have to criticize my analysis for being homosexist about those teachers. My awareness of homosexism is not together because that hasn't been a heavy identification for me-- i was into a women's consciousness before i came out & then i identified as a lesbian, but i still don't feel much solidarity with gay men and i know i've been unfair to gay men i've known. The class conscious of my working class values and breaking out of that self-effacing, timid response to class antagonism, i can get pretty arrogant and respond to what i see as middle class jive in an also reactionary way. A Woman? July 2, 1971 Page 5